👍🏻 [179]

Trying really hard today to control my anxiety. I am on the edge of exploding into tears but I am just remembering to breathe and understand this isn’t me it’s because I’m terrified of going back to the Italy where I went with him. Funnily enough I just had to walk past him and his delightful girlfriend with a load of kids, which is site I never thought I’d see. I really could of done without it. There’s nothing left I can say about it, I hope he’s happy, but I’m not happy for him. I think he deserves far more then someone who clearly lies and puts it about. The thought of her hurting him just makes my blood boil, I can’t deal with even thinking about it anymore, I really can’t. 😓

I can’t worry, fight or protect someone who doesn’t care one little bit about me anymore. I just think it’s so fucking sad after everything we went through, we were so close, I still can’t really process it ended like this because it sinks me into that awful depression. I can forgive him of a lot of things, but I will never, ever forget how worthless he made me feel in the end. Everyone tells me he cheated on me, my gut says no because I did know him better then anyone, but I just also have to accept the reality is probably true. it can’t be coincidence that they all say the same thing? All of it haunts me.

I hope I always just stay invisible to him now, it’s the best way all around –  to know that you really didn’t mean anything to them when they meant everything to you. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. It’s so damaging. I actually wish I just never existed in his life. What did I actually ever bring to his life???? Reliving the memories is so painful so what was the point in any of it? 6 years to end up like this. I haven’t even got him as a friend, just nothing. It does feel like a waste. I feel like the biggest mug on the planet to believe the love & friendship was real. I just wish I could forget. I never wanted that, but I’m so, so sick of feeling the greif and the loss of someone who threw me to oneside. I just miss the old him so much, not the bastard who broke my heart.

On a brighter note of my shit week, I am truly so greatful for mr travel man cheering me up. He’s been so great to me. When he’s around me, I feel so calm and at peace with everything, hes just so selfless & kind. Those earthquakes on the news back in 2015 – he flew out to go help 😭 the stories are incredible. He’s inspiring and he makes me feel something. I don’t know what. Inspired I suppose 🙄

A lot of you message me asking why aren’t we dating?! –  no we are not. because it’s not that simple. There’s lots of reasons to be honest, he’s older the me, mentally I am not there, I am still so damaged – I can’t give my heart away again. I feel like I can’t be someone’s girlfriend, I’m not good at it. I can’t just be all over someone. He’s going away, I’m going away. I don’t know when either of us are coming back.

I don’t want distraction, or to settle into that 9-5 routine life, i need to live my own dreams and create the life I want. Friendship is far more important to me than any relationship ever will be. I am just so independent thriving being on my own, I just don’t ever feel like i need someone else’s love or attention. I suppose I feel like I don’t deserve it, I still carry a lot of that worthless feeling.

He is however mentally good for me. He doesn’t live by the norm by any means and that is what I’m drawn to. I crave that thrill & excitement. That get up & go and passion for making a difference. That is why we are just friends, and my god if I’ve learnt anything it’s that you don’t mix relationships & friendships together because it is beyond soul destroying when it ends. This is one of his photos he took actually and I’m in love with it, I’m so desperate to see Egypt. 🙌🏻 I can see myself here learning to take these types of shots, feeling alive again. 📸 I’ve got some truly life changing trips lined up and I cannot wait to photograph them. I’m just too excited 🎒

Anyway amongst all my messed up confused feelings – i won’t be blogging for a week or so whilst I’m away. I mentally need a rest & the heat of the sun and swimming in the sea will do me the world of good. I can’t believe my brother is getting married!

There’s 30 of us going, all close friends & family, it will be nice to be surrounded by them, making memories. My original dress fitting was in November, obviously I lost 2 stone, i went from a size 14 – size 8 so I’ve had so many alternations to get it right. I’m now a healthy size 10 but the dress is still abit too big because they can’t physically take it in anymore, but I am proud of myself for getting out of that hell I was in. Honestly, there are no words for how bad I was. I can’t ever let myself go back to that place. I’ll feel proud of myself when I walk down that aisle.  ( i just really hope my dress stays up 🙈

Wish me luck, let’s see if i can actually control my anxiety/panic attacks. Will I make it to Capri island on my own?! (I fucking hope so, I can’t fail at that twice surely?!) I’ll let you know. Peace out xxx

Rest in peace, baby. [178]

The reality of blogging your life, having to share the hard times aswel. I’ve been having a mentally low week anyway and then today is the terribly sad day my rabbit has died. I’ve had him 7 years. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved him. There are no words for how upset I am. I really can’t cope with greif, it hurts so much. 

Rest in peace baby, you were perfection. I remember the day I brought you home, so tiny and crazy then causing trouble. 

So much has changed in my life over 7 years and you were with me through it all. You brought me so much happiness and I’ll never forget you, my little shadow following me everywhere I went. I’m going to feel so lonely without you. You were such a comfort to me on my darkest days. All I hope is that I gave you the best life, I’ll never ever forget you. I knew this day would come but that doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. Sleep tight my baby Prince. 💔🐇 

Afterlife [177]

This song came on shuffle on my drive home, the sun beaming and my windows down. I forgot how great Arcade Fire are. This is another song that sounds it’s best full blast.  Feeling in brighter spirits again today.  Still touched by mr travel man checking in on me, the fact that he even thought of me. Kindness makes the world go round ☀️

Thank you 🍕 [176]

So relating to my last blog about Italy – I’m still feeling really shit and so low again, made worse by  seeing all the awful terrorist attacks on the news, it’s just heartbreaking. 

So I got home from work and just laid on my bed feeling sorry for myself, and for those poor people, I really just had that “life is shit, people are shit” feeling. 

As I’m there wallowing in my own self pity, my friend mr travel man asked me if I wanted to go out to grab some food and I just said no I’m really not up to it tonight I feel like shit sorry. Half an hour later he’s at my door with a massive pizza for me to  “cheer me up & get in Italy mood” 😭 it was just so, so nice of him. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him I can’t have pizza) and then he shot off again. God bless him, it did really cheer me up. Friends are everything. It’s always the little things in life that touch my heart. 

Anxiety is high 😓 [174]

I’m really struggling today. A week today I’m flying to Italy for my brothers wedding which is so amazing & exciting, but now my anxiety is really kicking in – because I’m going back to Naples and all the same area where I went with him. The happiest, precious memories are going to come flooding back, they already have started and it feels like a knife in my chest.

I feel really shit. My family were obviously taking about it today and how they can’t wait to see Pompeii & Mt Vesuvius and I just burst into tears in front of everyone, and I felt so bad because I don’t want them to feel like I’m not going to enjoy it or worry about me. This is the reality of anxiety/depression- it comes out of nowhere, I can’t help it. 

In an ideal world, no I don’t want to go back and revisit where I was so fucking happy, I don’t want to see all the Roman history without him. But I have no choice, I am on my own now and he’s not here anymore no matter how much I wish he was. I need to remember I am not the girl I was when I was there either, that also makes me feel sad, I feel like I’ve been hard on myself for a long time that everything was my fault and I was this awful anxious person (which i was) but I also look back and think I was so just sweet and quite clueless. I’ll always be a dork. The good thing about me now is I am smarter, back then I wasn’t following any kind of dream (because he was my dream) but now I am mentally strong in terms of what I believe in and what I will strive everyday to achieve, I am focused and so independent, Lord knows nothing will stand in my way. 

I just have to stay at calm as possible and put all my hard work at therapy to the test. I’m terrified of having a panic attack in front of everyone when we get there, I don’t know if I’m mentally ready to face this, but I have to. Just breath Emm 🙏🏻 you can do this, I am in control of my anxiety not the other way around.

The hardest parts will be landing back in Naples, seeing the volcano again without him and going back to Pompeii – im still not decided if I will go back, it really is going to upset me, I know it will. but I also love it there and would like a second chance to get some more progressional photos & learn more. I’ll just see how I feel on that morning. 😓 I will not climb the volcanoe again tho, or go back to Herculaneum – they really are the most treasured memories of happiness in my heart and thinking about those memories is making me cry right now, there’s no way I can or want to go back there. What also upsets me is all the memories I have with him, I don’t even have him here to talk to normally about them. I won’t be able to even tell him about my trip or any of the history I see on Capri. Thats what fucking kills me, he really was my best friend, that grief never leaves. 

 I’m just focusing on that trip to Capri island on my own 🙏🏻 I can’t wait to learn more history and go swimming in the clear sea and feel the heat of the sun. After the worst months of my life battling depression I really am ready for a break. 

I’m doing well 🌞 [173]

What a mad week it’s been! I feel bad that I don’t daily blog anymore, but in all honesty I just don’t have the time (which is good!) here is my weekly run down:

Yoga – I can now touch my toes and do the splits (yep my new party trick!). I just love it so much, I have the best time with Was, it’s so mentally good for me.  

The travel man – either I am easily influenced by other people, but I really do listen to everything he tells me on how to live my life, he has changed me so much. I was actually invited on 2 “girls holidays” one to Ibiza and one to the typical Marbella. For me, there really would not be anything worse then having to sit by a pool drinking shitty cocktails with a load of shit music blasting out a cheap hotel resort. I was having a good rant about this to him and he totally gets it, he was like people are so sucked into this artificial selfish world. I’m sure all those refugees with NOTHING would love a cocktail by the pool.

Just get me to the jungle and to the wildlife sanctuarys where going away is to help, not to party. I’m so glad I have him to relate to 🙏🏻 🌎

Saying that, he keeps saying he wants fly to Costa Rica to meet me for some of the trip. I think he’s joking, is he joking?! I can’t imagine anyone flying across the world just to spend time with me? We are not dating or anything like that, i don’t want that. we just have the same mind set,  and his photography is everything I want to achieve. He’s the perfect friend.

I miss my best friend so much, I’ll never have a best friend like him – everyday I still hope he will be in my life again, but until then I just have to keep rolling with who is in my life, I’m so greatful for the positive people around me.

 It also hit me today that I’m also meeting the like 10 other people on my trip there! I had actually forget about them. There’s not many times in your life you’ll camp in the rainforest with strangers. I hope I make some friends for life ☀️

Learning to be selfish 🌄[171]

So it’s been a week since my long chat with Debbie. I think I have made good progress only focusing on myself and not worrying about other people’s problems. Do I dare say it but I actually feel really strong at the moment? I’m making my dreams a reality, I feel very blessed & proud of myself for being brave and making it happen. 🙏🏻