Cruel world. [12]

I am truly grieving the loss of my relationship and best friend. When they are pulled away from you and it’s completely out of your control you realise just how much of an impact they were on your life. We shared so much together, he knew me inside out. I miss his company so much, there isn’t one thing I wouldn’t do to just be able to rewind time and have one last time spent together being the crazy fools which we were, or laughing and watching movies together. I still can’t really process that I won’t share my life with him anymore, I can’t bring myself to fully process that terrifying thought, but I know that he can.

So this person I love so much, who I know so well, who I have travelled across the world with, who knows my secrets, who made me feel happy to be alive, who I slept next to every night, who I would do anything for – will now be a stranger. Someone I say hello to when passing by, someone whos name makes me feel sick to my stomach when mentioned, someone I’ll always wonder what they’re doing and worse one day I will have to see with someone else, to just remind me again that I was not good enough. What a cruel world we live in.

People need to stop telling me to “move on”. I am devastated and I am allowed to not feel ok. Meeting someone else will not take this pain away. I am not going to be ready for a long time to even contemplate sharing my life with anyone else. I am broken. I’ve lost the one I loved, an irreplaceable person. It’s now destroying me to accept they’re never going to come back.

Smashing Pumpkins [11]

If you are feeling completely numb and empty today just like me, play your favourite band full blast. Play the music so loud you can feel it vibrating through your body.

Mine is The Smashing Pumpkins. They are so comforting to me, I have been playing this song on repeat for the past half an hour, just laid on my bed feeling completely lost in the music and lost in myself. Just let your mind focus on something else for half an hour. I need a break, I am so tired of fighting my anxiety.

Love lost. [10]

I wake up in the middle of night and for one split second of relief you were still lying next to me, but then the panic attacks start again when it all hits me at once that you’re not there, you’ll never be there again, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I wish I could “move on” like I’m supposed to, I wish I could feel like this was the best thing for me, but how can it ever be when I have six years of happy memories, six years with my best friend – that’s exactly what he was. There are no amount of words to describe how much I love him and how much i painfully miss him.
I wish I wasn’t in this much pain, it feels like it will never end. I don’t think it will ever truly end. I am never going forget this person or the love I feel. Everyone tells me in time I’ll meet someone else, but it will never be the same because they will never be him.

I feel cheated and robbed, like I have lost my one chance of pure love. You don’t get that type of love to give twice. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you, I had so much more to give. All I wanted was to give to you the happiest  fulfilled life and I failed. I had my soul mate and I lost him. Maybe I wasn’t his, but I know in my heart he was mine.

Funny bones. [9]

Today i took the time to have a look at myself in a full length mirror completely naked, something i have avoided doing for the past year or so as i knew i had put on weight from being happy and comfortable, which was great in one sense, but not so great for myself esteem.

I can now see how much weight i have lost just purely by going through so much emotional pain. I knew my appetite had decreased, but i didn’t really notice any difference until now. Bones i haven’t seen for years are starting to reappear, my collar bone is back, i can see the detail of my rib cage and spine, oh and i have defined cheek bones again. I have skirts which were too tight for me to wear in summer now fall completely to floor when i put them on.

I’m not ashamed to say I’m glad i have lost weight, it feels great, i can wear clothes i used to love again. I don’t have a problem with food, i actually love food. The saddest part to this is i have lost weight purely through hurting and heightened anxiety. I haven’t stopped eating or done any extreme exercise, my body is just hurting as much as my mind – from the inside out.

Anxiety & I [7]

Anxiety and panic attacks, i know all too much about them. They have followed me around like a black cloud for years and years. I know how isolating they make you feel. You build yourself up into a state of despair and you don’t know what else to do apart from cry, cry and cry. It’s a form of mental torture and all you crave is for someone to come and pull the plug to stop you from drowning.

You also then have to deal with people telling you “you need to see a doctor.” “you need help” “this isn’t healthy” so on top of everything else you are feeling, you are also carrying guilt, because you don’t want people to feel worried for you, or worse think you’re doing it for attention. It is pointed out to you time and time again that you’re different, you’re not normal, so you just learn to accept you must be this weak awful person.

My advise to anyone who deals with anxiety or panic attacks on a daily basis – DO NOT GO SEE A DOCTOR. (unless of course your a danger to yourself or others). 

A doctor cannot cure you. They can give you sedatives, antidepressants – whatever cocktail of pills you want! but all this will do is mask the pain, and i get it, you don’t want to feel the pain anymore – but pills are addictive, you can’t rely on them to make you better, you also can’t rely on people to make you feel better either. You have to face up to the fact that anxiety is a part of you whether you like it or not, it is a chemical reaction in your brain, something you can’t ever change but you most defiantly can learn to gain control.

Go see a therapist. Something i put off for as long as i physically could, i couldn’t think of anything worse then having a stranger tell me how to think or feel. I was also deeply ashamed for a long time, apart of me still is. However in the time i have been going i have learnt that anxiety or panic attacks are not your fault – far from it, firstly you can’t stop your mind from feeling emotions, and secondly mine is sparked off by things which all route to how I’ve been treated in the past, bad experiences – all things that were other people, the other people should be ashamed, not me. Therapy is not easy, its really fucking hard. But very slowly i am learning how to take control, not anxiety controlling me.

Anxiety brings a lot of shame, its embarrasing and people only seem to see you for the worst part of yourself, they don’t remember the real you, or what a strong, great person you are underneath.

So next time someone makes you feel even worse about yourself when your fighting the most destroying battle in your head and you’re in floods of tears feeling like the world is going to end, read this blog. You are not insane, you are not some outcast of a person that doesn’t deserve to feel loved, you are not an attention seeker, you are a real person and you are not alone. If anyone tells you “you need to see a doctor” tell them to fuck off.

 

 

Not ok.  [6] 

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m ok. Obviously I’m not ok! I’ve lost the man I love and I’ve lost him forever. I’ve lost everything I have loved for six years. I have to now convince myself “I will be better off without you” – a statement that could not be more untrue because not one piece of me feels that in my heart. If I’ve learnt anything in six years, it’s that relationships are built on friendships, solid friendships filled with laugher and telling each other anything. I had that, I had the best friend I could of ever dreamed of, and what a blessing it was when he came into my life and didn’t leave like everyone else, and now I will never have a convocation with him ever again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. So no I’m not ok, I won’t ever be the same again. I am always going to left with a part of heart missing.

Welcome, [1]

I never thought in a million years my ‘perfect’ life would flip upside down, and fall apart in front of me. I don’t think there is anything in world that can prepare you for that, and in all honesty, I am glad I never saw it coming. So, what do you do when you loose your best friend, lover and home all at once? – I have no idea! All I can say is my feelings change from one day to the next trying to process it. I feel a lot of loss and loneliness right now, I am completely devastated. It spins around and around in my head which is driving me insane. The wise people around me have told me to “let out my feelings” so here I am, this blog is for me, to document my new life one day at a time, the highs and the lows, something to look back on and something to keep me busy in the dark times. I’m not expecting anybody to follow my journey, but maybe there will be one person out there this helps, and they will feel reassured their not alone.