Anxiety and panic attacks, i know all too much about them. They have followed me around like a black cloud for years and years. I know how isolating they make you feel. You build yourself up into a state of despair and you don’t know what else to do apart from cry, cry and cry. It’s a form of mental torture and all you crave is for someone to come and pull the plug to stop you from drowning.
You also then have to deal with people telling you “you need to see a doctor.” “you need help” “this isn’t healthy” so on top of everything else you are feeling, you are also carrying guilt, because you don’t want people to feel worried for you, or worse think you’re doing it for attention. It is pointed out to you time and time again that you’re different, you’re not normal, so you just learn to accept you must be this weak awful person.
My advise to anyone who deals with anxiety or panic attacks on a daily basis – DO NOT GO SEE A DOCTOR. (unless of course your a danger to yourself or others).
A doctor cannot cure you. They can give you sedatives, antidepressants – whatever cocktail of pills you want! but all this will do is mask the pain, and i get it, you don’t want to feel the pain anymore – but pills are addictive, you can’t rely on them to make you better, you also can’t rely on people to make you feel better either. You have to face up to the fact that anxiety is a part of you whether you like it or not, it is a chemical reaction in your brain, something you can’t ever change but you most defiantly can learn to gain control.
Go see a therapist. Something i put off for as long as i physically could, i couldn’t think of anything worse then having a stranger tell me how to think or feel. I was also deeply ashamed for a long time, apart of me still is. However in the time i have been going i have learnt that anxiety or panic attacks are not your fault – far from it, firstly you can’t stop your mind from feeling emotions, and secondly mine is sparked off by things which all route to how I’ve been treated in the past, bad experiences – all things that were other people, the other people should be ashamed, not me. Therapy is not easy, its really fucking hard. But very slowly i am learning how to take control, not anxiety controlling me.
Anxiety brings a lot of shame, its embarrasing and people only seem to see you for the worst part of yourself, they don’t remember the real you, or what a strong, great person you are underneath.
So next time someone makes you feel even worse about yourself when your fighting the most destroying battle in your head and you’re in floods of tears feeling like the world is going to end, read this blog. You are not insane, you are not some outcast of a person that doesn’t deserve to feel loved, you are not an attention seeker, you are a real person and you are not alone. If anyone tells you “you need to see a doctor” tell them to fuck off.