New Years Eve. [43]

It’s New Years Eve – tonight will be emotionally harder for me then Christmas, this was always ‘our night’. So far i have stayed as calm as possible all day, i am not going to sit at home alone and spiral into depression, I’m fighting all the anxiety in me right now. I am scared to go out and be around drunk people, but I will not get upset or have a panic attack, tonight is my chance to prove to myself that i can control my anxiety. Hopefully that all got out my system yesterday.

I wish everyone a happy new years eve, if you struggle with anxiety attacks like me, just keep breathing and don’t let it ruin your night to a whole new start. If you really can’t face going out, that’s fine to –  just relax, pamper yourself and be kind to yourself.  X

Angry at myself. [42]

Today i had 2 panic/anxiety attacks, I’m so angry at myself as i haven’t had one in over a week. I didn’t really sleep last night because i felt low, so i woke up at 5am crying and feeling completely overwhelmed again that everything was my fault and what an idiot i am. My mind must of thought of every possible reason for things i must of said or done for things to end up the way they did.

It took me most of the day to calm down, feel relaxed and positive again, then when i got home from work i then had another one! I am so sick of anxiety attacks and the feeling of my brain over thinking everything on repeat, I’m so sick of mentally beating myself up – i feel like one half of my brain is normal and the other half is fucking insane! 

It’s just mental torture, it’s like i make 1 step forward and 4 back. I’m angry that i let myself into a state once let alone twice. I’m just so exhausted, anxiety is a battle everyday – some days you’ll win and some days you’ll loose. I am choosing to deal with this without medication and only the help of my therapist, so i suppose i need to stop getting frustrated that somedays everything will get to me.

It doesn’t help my state of mind that its new years eye tomorrow, that was always a special night in my heart and we have shared 6 together. I have been invited to go out again, but my anxiety is so high i’m not sure if i can handle putting on my ‘brave, strong’ face again to everyone?

Goodbye my lover. [41]

So i’m driving home from work in the cold and dark and this comes on the radio. This is one of those songs everyone knows, i always thought it was abit stupid to be honest, but today the words hit me like a knife straight through the gut, and there i am left looking like a mentalist crying at wheel. I wonder if this song has touched anyone else?

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

Romans & Greeks. [40]

If there is anything i will always remember him for, it’s his love for history. Something that has naturally worn off on me, i couldn’t be more thankful he opened my eyes to the ancient world. I always thought i was ‘too dumb’ to ever understand or appreciate history.

Through seeing my therapist i have now started to ‘unravel’ where my attachment lays with him, and it truly is because he made me love something in myself i never knew was there. The happiest i have ever been in my entire life was on our travels, in six years i have been so lucky to visit so many museums and see so many wonders of the world.

I will never forget the feeling of when i saw the Colosseum in Rome for the first time, it honestly took my breathe away and i really did feel like the luckiest girl in the world – those moments are not ones that can ever be replaced. I got the same feeling when i saw the Acropolis in Athens, and stepping off the plane in Naples or visiting the underground lost city ruins in Barcelona. I have done things i never thought i’d be lucky enough to do like climb Mt Vesuvius and visit Pompeii. I would never of done or seen any of these places without him, he was a true blessing in my life. I’ll forever be thankful that someone made me so happy and brought a whole new passion into my life.

What I’ve been struggling with the most now is still loving learning about Romans & Greeks, we used to watch so many history programmes or films together, that now when i try i just get so upset because it feels ‘wrong’ and the loneliness hurts on a scale you can’t imagine. All my precious trinkets, statues and photos have had to be boxed away for now because i just can’t face looking at them everyday and remembering how happy i was. Since the move i have lost all my books i’ve collected which really has upset me and set my anxiety off today, i am worried that in a moment of madness when i was packing up my flat i told my mum to get rid of them, i truly hope she didn’t or i hope he’s got them. I just hope they are safe and not in some charity shop.

I don’t want to stop loving something just because we can’t do it together anymore, i know he wouldn’t want me to just stop, he would still want me to go see all the places i want to, the hardest thing in the world will be going on my own, but i am going to start off small by visiting museums on my own, then hopefully castles and the goal one day is to go back to Italy and Greece, on my own, and finish what we started. I can’t let a passion inside me die aswel. As my books are nowhere to be found, i have been listening to audio greek mythology stories in bed. Honestly – the only thing that has put a smile on my face lately. It takes me into a whole new world and pushes my anxiety aside, it feels like ‘home’ and a piece of myself that has been completely lost is just starting to creep back very slowly, even if its just for 40 minutes every night.

What do i do now? [39]

2017 is approaching and today i have been feeling quite stressed out about my future. I will be 25 next year and im now in the position i ever thought id be back in – back at home with my parents. I love living here and i am so lucky, but i have been so ashamed to tell everyone i am living back at home, that i failed and here i am an over grown teenager back with mum and dad. I loved my own place so much, i miss it every single day. I have worked out 3 options that i need to really think about to decide what the hell am i going to do with my life?!

Moving back out next year with a friend. I feel this would be good in some ways as i would get my independence back, and it would be socially good for me. But to be honest, i think it would make me extremely depressed having to share with someone after i have lived the dream of living in my own flat with the man i loved. I also wouldn’t be able to save, and living with a friend would only be a temporary thing, my anxiety would forever be thinking “what am i going to do next”.

I have worked out if i stay at home for another year, i can save around 13 thousand pounds (it would mean sacrificing a lot, but it might be my only time in my life to be able to save such a large amount of money), which in the future would be a massive chunk towards a deposit on my own place. I would be quite happy to live on my own, and would feel so proud to have made myself financially secure. I would just be worried to tell people i am still living at home in a years time?

My last option – go travelling. I could save for 6 months and then have enough to go travelling, i have always wanted to see the world for myself, my anxiety just always holds me back. I don’t have anyone to go with either which used to always scare me, but now i am used to my own company, it doesn’t scare me so much. I just don’t know if i have got enough courage in me to just do it. I would also be worried about when the dream ends – then what do i do? I’d probably still have to live at home and financially i wouldn’t be in a good position, i’d have to start all over again, or maybe i’d never come back!? equally this could be my only chance to go travelling?

I just feel so lost, i want to make the right decision but I’m just really not sure what is going to be best for my future? someone please help! what would you do?

All is calm. [38]

Since I’ve been living back at home I have really started to appreciate how lucky I am to live in the countryside. Our house rolls onto fields, It’s so calming and relaxing to me to be able to just look at my window and see fields. I really think it is good for my mental health.

I’ve been walking a lot more and find it a good way to clear my head with fresh air, sometimes it gets lonely and sometimes I get upset because it reminds me of the days when we first met and used to walk and talk about everything. It really is the little things I miss the most.

As today was so bright and beautiful I took the opportunity to go out on my own with my camera. It’s pretty lonely going on your own, but this is the reality I have to face now, and I suppose it’s not all bad because I found a nice spot with the cutest little sheep! I can walk for miles and not see anyone, it’s bliss.

Christmas Day. [37]

I have been dreading this day because it’s just so fucking sad to not have the one person you miss here. It just feels wrong when we were so close and this is my first Christmas in a long time without him. Something I stupidly never thought I’d have to experience.

Today has been good though, I have been spoilt by my family and I’m so lucky to have such a big loving family to make me laugh. But the loneliness has been lingering in me today. It’s come and gone in waves I’ll be fine one minute and then I’ll painfully miss him the next and have to go be on my own for 20 minutes or so to try and calm myself down, as I don’t want my family to see me upset on Christmas Day.
Atleast I’ve done everything I can to avoid spiralling into a panic attack, which is something to be proud of, as quite a few times I felt like a terrible one was coming on. I’m just lucky to be surrounded by my family who love me just the way I am.
I hope everyone else who is going through a really hard time and dealing with a lot of demons has managed to still enjoy Christmas and had a lovely day. X

I did it. [36]

Oh my god, I actually managed to stay out without having a panic attack and having to come home!

The only time it all hit me was about an hour before I had to leave, all the anxiety started and I could feel the panic rising, I had a few tears but just managed to catch myself from spiralling. Instead of getting myself into a state, I put my Calm app on and did my breathing exercises – and it fucking worked.

I also didn’t feel any pressure to get drunk, i didn’t get drunk. I only had a couple of drinks and stuck to water. I felt in control of my anxiety for the first time in a long, long time.

You can see below how proud I am from the grin on my face (left). Happy Christmas Eve everyone.

Wide awake. [35]

So as predicted i didn’t sleep very well last night, my brain just couldn’t switch off because I’m so worried about tonight. Instead of crying (i only cried a little) i managed to stop quite quickly by distracting myself with something i love – seriously what could be better then watching videos of Smashing Pumpkins at 4am? They are just perfect. I am also stupidly attracted to Billy Corgan, especially in this video.

You’ll be the lover in my bed, and a gun to my head. 

Friday night. [34]

Tomorrow night I’ve been invited out with a couple of friends, at first I said no but they really want me to go and if I don’t I’ll be home alone, which will probably spiral me into a depression of loneliness, which isn’t going to help how low I feel.

So, I’ve said yes. I want to join in the festivities like everyone else (even though I just want Christmas to come and go this year). The only problem is I already feel the butterflies building, I’m terrified it will spark off an anxiety attack and I’m terrified I’ll see him out. Not because I “hate” him or anything like that, I absolutely adore him i could never hate him. I miss him so much everyday and the thought of seeing him out and not being able to talk to him is torture. I know as soon as I saw him I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I’d burst into tears. Or worse seeing him with someone else, I think it would just about finish me off for this year. It’s just too heartbreaking. There isn’t one thing in the world I wouldn’t do to just be able to cuddle him again. Life is so fucking cruel.

But what choice do I have? I have to go out and face it. I can’t stay in on my own for the fear of a panic attack or seeing him. I just have to accept my poor heart has got more pain to face. At the end of the day, I would rather be the one who got upset and felt the pain of my heart breaking into a thousand pieces over and over, then him have to go through this. I genuinely hope he isn’t feeling any pain at all. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.