So does anyone else spend ages perfectly curling their hair and spending time on your make up like it’s a piece of art, for it to be completely ruined by tears before you have even left the house? – welcome to my world.
A normal reaction for me everytime i arrange to go for ‘a couple of drinks’. This time i tried really hard, i was looking forward to it in the day and reassuring myself it would be fine, but my stomach was in knots when i got home from work, but i ignored it the best i could and carried on to start getting ready (normally id of already decided by now “I’m not going“)
But then while pulling almost everything out of my wardrobe the attack starts, suddenly i feel too fat to wear anything, i feel ugly, my hair looks terrible and before i know it- my anxiety sets in at full swing – the worst kind of ‘stage’ of anxiety – the panic drop everything and run stage, also known as ‘flight or fight’
Suddenly everything is overwhelming and my heart is beating so fast it feels like its going to burst out my chest. I’m in flood of tears, i feel like i can’t breathe and all i feel is dread and fear. This is something I’ve always had to deal with when any social activity is involved, i don’t know why (well, I’m starting to learn why through seeing my therapist) but i still don’t have any real reason to get in this state for something that really is not a big deal, i know its nothing to be scared of, i want to see my friends, i want to be there, i want to be involved, but unfortunately when you have crippling anxiety you physically cannot help how you feel.
When you start to calm down and feel really shit that you let your anxiety get the better of you again, then start the patronising comments “you’re just being silly”. Do you seriously think i get a kick out of living my life like this? thank you for making me feel even more isolated and worse about myself. I am fully aware of how it looks to other people, like i mentioned in my blog post previously – anxiety brings a lot of shame.
You really can’t win with anxiety attacks, even if you manage to get out, you’re on edge the whole time feeling awkward and then people assume your being moody, rude or very common for me – shy. They have no idea how hard it is to sit there and not feel like running back out the door. If you can relate to any of this just know you’re not alone.