Heal in your own time. [26]

At the moment i am feeling a hell of a lot of pressure to get over it or to move on. Near enough everyone tells me this, i know people are only saying it for my own good, but actually, the pressure to feel ‘ok’ is actually making me feel worse. Everytime i get upset i beat myself up over it and feel disappointed in myself that i don’t feel ‘ok’ yet.

I also feel the pressure to be going out, getting drunk with my friends, joining new clubs and making new friends – all well and great if you don’t suffer from crippling anxiety, but unfortunately i do. I don’t drink, i don’t get drunk, i have panic attacks so i find any social activity extremely difficult and i feel so lost in myself, i don’t know what path to take now in my life and all i have is a whirlwind of emotions i need to try and get some sort of hold on.

I have to allow myself to heal at my own pace,  i need this time to be on my own, to understand who i am, i want to focus on feeling mentally and physically better. I’m sorry if this disappoints some people, I’m sorry if it makes me weak that i need more time then most, but at the end of the day i can’t keep worrying what other people think of me.

Going out drinking will just set my anxiety off ten times worse and i really can’t deal with putting myself in any situations yet where i feel uncomfortable, like joining a new class with a load of strangers (don’t get me wrong, i hope and prey i can get there one day, but it is not something i can just do overnight).  For me – going to a therapist on my own every week is a massive hurdle i never thought id be able to do, but i am, and it’s getting easier.

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