So, in last weeks therapy session we (me & Debbie, my therapist) sat and made 3 reachable targets i can achieve before the new year is in. After much debate, we finally came to plan of something achievable i can do – go to the cinema on my own.
One place that always made me feel totally relaxed and at peace was going to the cinema. I loved it, we used to go all the time, it really was one of my ‘safe places’ and probably my favourite thing i used to do with him. I love watching films because it’s a big distraction to my mind.
Since I’ve been alone, i can’t step foot in the building, i have tried before with my brother and i had the biggest panic attack in front a queue of people, all staring at me like i was a complete mentalist and i had to go home. It was horrible and one of the worst situations i have ever been in, i felt completely ashamed and embarased, i couldn’t get out quick enough. The problem now is it reminds me of him so much, i wish so much he was still here to go with, but he’s not. So i need to adapt, there is a film i really want to see – (which also reminds me of him because we watched the last one together in our cosy flat and it was truly one of my loveliest memories). The film i want to see is Rogue One, Star Wars.
Target 1. To prevent my anxiety taking over. To stay as calm as possible in the day. I’m still not really sure how i avoid butterflies in my stomach, but i am going to try really hard to ignore them and not even think about it until i get there.
Target 2. This probably the hardest one – to fight the ‘flight or fight’ feeling. To get out the car and get into the building, alone. If i can do this, then i need to order my ticket, alone. Then i need to walk into the screen room and find a seat and sit on my own with a load of strangers and the paranoia of everyone looking at me thinking “look at that girl sat on her own” i know everything in me will be wanting to run back home in tears. Even just typing this it’s making me feel anxious and uneasy. I am genuinely terrified.
Target 3. To control my anxiety from developing into a full blown attack. I want to be able to feel at ease and enjoy the film. I want so much to still love it like i used to, i can’t be scared of being alone anymore. I don’t want to miss out, i just need to sit there and suck up the fear and tears and come away feeling proud of myself that i did it, and have the confidence in myself that i can do it again.
I’m still not totally convinced i can do all 3 targets, but i am going to try which is a big step in itself. If i can’t do them, or if i do have a panic attack – its ok. I’m not putting any pressure on myself, aslong as i try it’s still something to be proud of, right?