So i feel a little silly now after writing yesterdays blog post for “living a positive life from now on” as today i woke up at 2am, 3am and finally wide awake at 6am to the most terrible panic attack. Maybe one of the worst ones yet, everything smacked me right in the face that “everything was my fault” and what a terrible unloveable person i am, i feel like everyone hates me and is laughing at me. My heart was racing so fast i was genuinely terrified and all i could hear was this ringing noise in my ears, my whole body felt like it was shaking and i felt like i could throw up any second.
I cried most of the night until i got to work. I really don’t actually know how i got out my car and sat at my desk (actually i went and hid in the toilets for 20 minutes in attempt to calm myself down and fix up my awful swollen eyes). Luckily my manager gets it, she understands and doesn’t embarrass me in front of everyone by asking me what’s wrong.
On my break i then phoned my therapist in floods of tears to help me as i felt so low and she couldn’t of been more great and told me to come see her straight from work, so i did, and i do feel in a much better state now. I can just about deal with anxiety, but not panic attacks. They are truly terrible and damaging, they are so suffocating and you can feel yourself drowning. The only good thing about them is they do not last forever – but it’s ironic that when you’re going through one it feels like it will never end.