Friday night. [34]

Tomorrow night I’ve been invited out with a couple of friends, at first I said no but they really want me to go and if I don’t I’ll be home alone, which will probably spiral me into a depression of loneliness, which isn’t going to help how low I feel.

So, I’ve said yes. I want to join in the festivities like everyone else (even though I just want Christmas to come and go this year). The only problem is I already feel the butterflies building, I’m terrified it will spark off an anxiety attack and I’m terrified I’ll see him out. Not because I “hate” him or anything like that, I absolutely adore him i could never hate him. I miss him so much everyday and the thought of seeing him out and not being able to talk to him is torture. I know as soon as I saw him I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I’d burst into tears. Or worse seeing him with someone else, I think it would just about finish me off for this year. It’s just too heartbreaking. There isn’t one thing in the world I wouldn’t do to just be able to cuddle him again. Life is so fucking cruel.

But what choice do I have? I have to go out and face it. I can’t stay in on my own for the fear of a panic attack or seeing him. I just have to accept my poor heart has got more pain to face. At the end of the day, I would rather be the one who got upset and felt the pain of my heart breaking into a thousand pieces over and over, then him have to go through this. I genuinely hope he isn’t feeling any pain at all. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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