Angry at myself. [42]

Today i had 2 panic/anxiety attacks, I’m so angry at myself as i haven’t had one in over a week. I didn’t really sleep last night because i felt low, so i woke up at 5am crying and feeling completely overwhelmed again that everything was my fault and what an idiot i am. My mind must of thought of every possible reason for things i must of said or done for things to end up the way they did.

It took me most of the day to calm down, feel relaxed and positive again, then when i got home from work i then had another one! I am so sick of anxiety attacks and the feeling of my brain over thinking everything on repeat, I’m so sick of mentally beating myself up – i feel like one half of my brain is normal and the other half is fucking insane! 

It’s just mental torture, it’s like i make 1 step forward and 4 back. I’m angry that i let myself into a state once let alone twice. I’m just so exhausted, anxiety is a battle everyday – some days you’ll win and some days you’ll loose. I am choosing to deal with this without medication and only the help of my therapist, so i suppose i need to stop getting frustrated that somedays everything will get to me.

It doesn’t help my state of mind that its new years eye tomorrow, that was always a special night in my heart and we have shared 6 together. I have been invited to go out again, but my anxiety is so high i’m not sure if i can handle putting on my ‘brave, strong’ face again to everyone?


8 thoughts on “Angry at myself. [42]

  1. When I went through my last big break up, I think one of the most helpful things somebody told me was that it was all a process. Of course I didn’t really listen to them at the time, but as always in hindsight what they said was pretty spot on.

    But hey, try not to be so hard on yourself. In this struggle against mental illness it is important that we have our own backs. My psychologist loves throwing this one at me whenever I start to berate myself “Phil, what would you tell a friend, if they came to you and said exactly what you just told me”. I always smile when she asks me this because I know the answer immediately… We judge ourselves the hardest because we want the best for ourselves, but at the same time we need to show ourselves the kindness we would show our friends.

    I think you should consider going out tomorrow night. But try to organise a little escape plan, maybe include a close friend in it so they can help you have an early night if things get rough. Who knows, you might surprise yourself and have a nice time 🙂

    happy new year !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, your advise is always spot on! and makes me feel so much better. I agree, I think that’s my problem I always put everything on myself, that it was all my fault, that is must of been me, I must be the problem etc. I suppose that’s the cruel thing about anxiety it just brings out so much negativity and it is exhausting trying to battle with it! Yeah I think you’re right and that’s true my friends are a lot more understanding now I’ve opened up to them more about how much I struggle. Staying at home on my own will only make me spiral into depression, if I want to get better I need to help myself and get out. Thanks again, happy new year to you aswel!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anxiety can be so exhausting! The thought of having to challenge your thoughts constantly has made me think about not caring anymore, on more that one occasion.

        I wonder what makes us think that we are so instrumental in everything that happens to us. Hope you had a good new years 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had a really lovely new years. My GFs friend let us use her apartment which had a good view of the fireworks.

        I invited a friend to join us, and was pretty anxious about needing to perform and not let the night turn out boring and horrible.

        But it didn’t! We spent the evening listening to music, drinking wine and playing cards. It was nice not having to deal with the craziness of the city

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Can you get youtube on your TV? or do you have a big monitor?

        With all these High Def streams these days and high def TVs. I find fireworks look and sound better online, plus you can see fireworks from around the world with an accompanying sound track.

        The only thing you miss out on is hanging out with some friends, and while your night didn’t end as planned. You started the night off really well

        Liked by 1 person

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