Today i had 2 panic/anxiety attacks, I’m so angry at myself as i haven’t had one in over a week. I didn’t really sleep last night because i felt low, so i woke up at 5am crying and feeling completely overwhelmed again that everything was my fault and what an idiot i am. My mind must of thought of every possible reason for things i must of said or done for things to end up the way they did.
It took me most of the day to calm down, feel relaxed and positive again, then when i got home from work i then had another one! I am so sick of anxiety attacks and the feeling of my brain over thinking everything on repeat, I’m so sick of mentally beating myself up – i feel like one half of my brain is normal and the other half is fucking insane!
It’s just mental torture, it’s like i make 1 step forward and 4 back. I’m angry that i let myself into a state once let alone twice. I’m just so exhausted, anxiety is a battle everyday – some days you’ll win and some days you’ll loose. I am choosing to deal with this without medication and only the help of my therapist, so i suppose i need to stop getting frustrated that somedays everything will get to me.
It doesn’t help my state of mind that its new years eye tomorrow, that was always a special night in my heart and we have shared 6 together. I have been invited to go out again, but my anxiety is so high i’m not sure if i can handle putting on my ‘brave, strong’ face again to everyone?