Calling all Skeletons [74]

Ugh. Therapy with Alan tonight didn’t go so great. He was making me talk about the things i miss the most. They are actually really simple things, like watching films in his arms or him staying over every weekend before we lived together, or just laughing with him in general.

It all got too much again, he set me off into an excruciating panic attack, the pain was honestly unbearable, so much so that i was heaving and retching. I still couldn’t cry, but i was shaking like a leaf. Apparently that’s what he wants, the ‘core’ and we will work from here to remove all the memories. I suppose it’s so i will associate those memories with feeling sick and in being in pain. He said the pain i feel is like that of loosing a family member, which is true as I’ve never been so close to anyone else in my life, i never want to be ever again, he was my family. He is family that i’ll never get to see again.

The glamorous truth [73]

Today my manager said i looked ‘gaunt’ and i suppose now i can see why, i have massive sockets apperring under my eyes, my cheek bones are there and bones in my neck i never even knew exsisted. I used to have such puffy glowy skin and was always told i looked way younger then 24 years old. Now i just look aged, i look old and tired and disgusting. This is what emotional pain does to you, it hurts so much that your mind won’t let you feel anything. I sit and i try so hard to cry, but nothing comes out, i don’t even feel sad! Can anyone else relate to this?

Depression. [72]

I have never considered myself depressed before, but since he’s gone, i am clearly suffering from depression. I don’t feel sad, i don’t feel upset, i don’t feel angry – i swear on my life i just don’t feel anything, or if i do, it’s pain.

I am not me anymore, i don’t think i will ever  come back from this hit. I am really fucking struggling everyday and I’m now starting to think no many of hours of therapy will ever be able to sort me out, which sets off my anxiety. Going out is hard, the thought of meeting someone else terrifies me and makes me feel sick oh and when i do go out i have to deal with seeing him with someone else. Please God, please make this pain go away. I am exhausted, i don’t eat i don’t sleep i am just a body with no emotion.


 

I just fucking saw him. [70]

Yep, it was fucking horrible.

I had therapy tonight, but basically i can’t hide how much weight I’ve lost anymore, or how sad and emotionless i am. People are noticing and asking questions, and i think are genuinely worried about me? or just nosey, I’m not sure. So one of my friends wanted to meet me after therapy (one of very few who knows i go) to have a talk about it and to see how i am.

So, i left therapy and went straight there, only for him to fucking walk in. I don’t think he saw me, i don’t care if he did or didn’t, either way he was quite literally a stranger sat across the room from me. Anyone who knows me previously would of known that i cry at anything and would of freaked out massively, but i didn’t.

I just can’t feel one fucking thing, all i got was the shakes and my heart felt like it was beating a million miles an hour – an anxiety attack. Everytime i looked at him i just feel pain. He was there with a big group of friends and probably his new fantastic girlfriend loving life, and i have just been to therapy in attempt to mentally block six years worth of memories out my life – as in – paying more money to a fucking psychologist.

Was this a test from God? Was this attempt to make me feel something? ย well no because it didn’t work, i just felt completely invisible and like i don’t exist, which is probably for the best.

Paying to block. [68]

I had my first session with Alan today. He is a ‘psychologist that specialises in anxiety‘ so I’ve been told. He works with Debbie and she has promised me he’s a great ย contact to have in my life, I’m still seeng Debbie but once a week i will pay extra to see Alan.

Today was an induction, but he did seem nice, but i am nervous over it all. He is basically going to help me ‘mentally block’ the memories which are keeping me up all night or upsetting me constantly. Apparently this type of therapy is all about dealing with grief, dead or alive – he reassured me many people have this therapy with difficult break ups, it is mourning the loss of someone you loved. It is not just him i am grieving either, its my flat, my routine and 6 years worth of memories falling in love with him.

The person i loved has gone, my best friend has gone and he is never coming back for me, and it’s ok that i am having a really hard time trying to process that.

I want to be able to wake up every morning and not see his brown eyes staring at me, or hear his laugh or watch something that reminds me of him. Or wake up and still feel like i am in my flat, or roll over in the night expecting to see him there. Now all i see is him with someone else. The pain is unbearable. I feel incredibly sad inside – more then sad – ‘sad’ doesn’t cover how i feel. ย It is just emptiness, i can’t even cry. Everything inside me wants to always love him and always feel the happiness he gave me, i always want to hang onto that feeling – but i can’t – because quite frankly it is destroying me. I have lost so much weight and sleep is not my friend. So here is to giving this ago to see if this does help me. I will keep you updated.

Who I’m sleeping with… [67]

(Just kidding). The thought of someone else all over me makes me feel sick, I can’t even bare the thought of kissing someone. Right or wrong I still have that “loyality” (or maybe respect is a better word) to him, I wouldn’t make him feel like he was nothing like he’s done to me.

Soooo listening to my favourite man of all time every night is the way forward. Can we just appreciate how fucking gorgeous Billy is? Thank you for you and your beautiful band for comforting me on my drive to work everyday and the lonely nights in. If there was ever a band to describe “me”..it’s the Smashing Pumpkins ๐Ÿ–ค

I’m your lover, I’m your zero.

Digital bath. [66]

I have now lost over a stone, i can’t actually imagine going back to my old weight. I never want to go back, i never want to be the girl i used to be. I still can’t cry, i haven’t cried in over 4 days, why can’t i cry? i just don’t feel anything, i feel like all my emotions have just been erased. Why are Deftones so perfect?

Thank God for Debbie. [65]

After work yesterday i had a 2 hour slot with my therapist. I couldn’t even cry this time. I just don’t feel anything. I didn’t even have much to say. But she just gets it, she understands what i’m feeling when nobody else does. She said i feel so devastated because i loved so much, and in return lost so much.

She understands why i feel so much pain, and understands why i feel like it was all my fault. She understands why i feel differently now, she said i have tried so hard to hang onto the person that i was, and it’s ok to let that girl go now. She made me feel reassured that it’s ok to put up a guard – apparently not wanting to feel anything is a form of protection. However she said that starving myself is self neglect, she said you’re not eating because you feel so worthless, which is exactly how i feel, and she gets that to, she doesn’t ever make me feel like I’m mental, which I’m sure is what everyone else thinks. She said you only feel so much pain because you loved someone so much, which is never a bad thing to feel about yourself (even though it does right now). She said I just need to remember i feel worthless and this low because that is how someone has left me feeling, i feel like trash – ย it is ok to feel everything i am feeling now.

We have such a good relationship now, i am so grateful of her time and constant desire to help me. Thank you for everything Debbie.