Ugh. Therapy with Alan tonight didn’t go so great. He was making me talk about the things i miss the most. They are actually really simple things, like watching films in his arms or him staying over every weekend before we lived together, or just laughing with him in general.
It all got too much again, he set me off into an excruciating panic attack, the pain was honestly unbearable, so much so that i was heaving and retching. I still couldn’t cry, but i was shaking like a leaf. Apparently that’s what he wants, the ‘core’ and we will work from here to remove all the memories. I suppose it’s so i will associate those memories with feeling sick and in being in pain. He said the pain i feel is like that of loosing a family member, which is true as I’ve never been so close to anyone else in my life, i never want to be ever again, he was my family. He is family that i’ll never get to see again.