Like everyone else, i have set myself some goals to achieve this year.
I don’t feel like i truly achieved much last year, i was completely riddled with anxiety, i felt like i barely left my flat or saw any of my friends/ i really didn’t have any. I was also poorly for most of the year (i suffer from IBS, caused by the joys of having anxiety) so i was in & out doctors appointments and forever taking days off work. I was completely depressed with it and just wanted to stay in the ‘safe spot’ of my flat. The hardest part was having to see him carry on with his life without me, he was always out with his friends, or going away with him, or out doing his hobbies, while i was just trapped there, doing nothing. But i did love that flat, i was so proud of it. Anxiety is a vicious circle – the more you stay in, the safer you feel, the more you try to go out, the bigger the panic attacks are. That is what true loneliness feels like, being stuck on your own and having nobody to escape to – however to give myself some credit – i was aware of how bad i had got, so i did make the fucking hard decision to see a therapist which i will never regret, it might be too early to say it, but i think she might of changed my life.
Being reflectful, i can see why he ran a million miles from me, i wasn’t bringing one single thing into his life (although i hope so much that i made him feel so loved, all my intentions were there, i was incredibly loyal and forever just wanted to spoil him and make him happy). It wasn’t so much that i ‘relied on him to make me happy‘ – it was more the fact he was one massive piece of happiest in my life, he made me feel special and did to an extent, understand and love me for who i was. We have grown together in 6 years and always looked after each other, he kept me so happy and afloat for so long, and our holidays are truly the happiest memories of my life so far. He was the best friend i could of ever ask for and i will forever love him and miss him, the love for him is unconditonal. All i want is for him to have best life possible, because my god he deserves it, after struggling with his own battles in the past. I hope and prey that he will always be in my life, one way or another, even if there is a rocky road ahead – i think the killer for me now is that i just don’t know if i could ever cope with seeing him with someone else, the thought of it makes me instantly cry and feel sick to my stomach. All i can do is hope we both have the strength to be at peace with each other and always look out for one another.
Loosing him was by the far the most devastating loss i have had to endure, the pain eats away at me everyday, but i cannot have another year like last year, i don’t want to be that girl who is a shut in and cries every single day, because if i do then loosing him would be even more of a total loss – the only ‘gain’ i can accomplish from this seriously hard time, is to come out a happier person at the end of it. Now i am completely on my own, i have nobody to hide behind anymore, nobody to cry to, nobody to plan trips with – it’s absolutely terrifying, but i need to learn truly for myself that i can lead a happy life on my own. I can be that girl who goes to dance classes, or that girl who goes to museums or day trips alone, who can still go to the cinema and be content in my own company, or the girl who drops everything to go travelling. My therapist is currently helping me find this inner strength and confidence, it is there deep down, i can feel it bursting to come out – the battle is controlling my anxiety and panic attacks. With anxiety, it not a case of “just do it” like everyone tells you, i really can’t explain how much you just can’t, so for me to be able to overcome that would mean the absolute world. I don’t want to feel like an outsider all my life, but equally i don’t want to fit in anymore, i just want to be me and wake up and feel happy and proud everyday instead of ashamed.
This year could really be the year ‘i changed my life’ – i’ll never be able to get rid of my anxiety, it is always going to be there, but maybe i might be able to find a way to live with it instead of suffering with it.
Thank you for all the supportive comments, advise or for even liking my posts, you have made me feel so worthwhile and i still find it overwhelming that people I’ve never met can be so kind and care about me. Another reason why i will always move forward with a kind heart.