Letting go, i mean it this time. [51]

It has taken me 3 months to get to this point…

I had wrote a blog post a few weeks ago about ‘letting go’ – but truth be told, i hadn’t. I had made steps to, but i was just too scared to really let go, i still couldn’t delete him off Facebook and he was still my go to person when the panic attacks set in.

Today, i woke up and saw all these new people he was friends with on Facebook, and it just made me cry. I suppose the reality hit me that one day i might log on and see he’s in a relationship or i am going to have to see him tagged in photos, with a new best friend – my replacement. Honestly, i can’t explain how much pain that causes me, the thought of it honestly feels like a knife going through my chest and i can feel it setting off my anxiety.

The only reason i hadn’t deleted & blocked him off previously, was because i didn’t want us to ever be truly apart, i was so scared he would just forget about me if i wasn’t there. I still wanted him there as my best friend but i just can’t put myself through that torture. I am mad at myself that i am not that emotionally strong – maybe oneday i will be? I just don’t know. I’d like to think so, because the thought of never taking to him again sets me off into an anxiety attack and it makes me feel like 6 years was a waste – but I just don’t know how I’ll feel in the future. I still wanted our photos to feel alive, but they’re not, they are all just memories now. I will treasure them forever.

This is really fucking shit. I never in a million years wanted to have to completely cut him out, but i have to because he is hurting me, not intentionally – he is by no means a cruel person, and i know he doesn’t ever want me to suffer, but i am suffering. I have to be on my own now, it’s never what i wanted for us. I will forever be missing his company and i will forever love him, but i just can’t move forward or live with the anxiety of going on Facebook and seeing something that will destroy me. It’s just so fucking sad, continuing my life without someone who meant the world to me.

I’ve build 6 of my life with him, 6 years of memories. I’ve got a long way to way until I feel ok about everything. I will forever be healing. Atleast I am moving forward without any anger, just sadness.


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