The news is true. [61]

WOW. i can’t even explain, i just can’t. How can one person destroy you in every single way possible? I have absolutely devoted everything i had in me to this person, i could not of loved him more. All he has done is thrown me away, pushed me aside and destroyed me. I am truly left with nothing. I am now mentally fucked up because of him. I have never felt so much pain in my life, i am so fucking glad he has met someone and got away free. I am broken into a thousand pieces – because of him – and now he gets to walk into the sunset. This is just how i would expect things to happen for me, i am always the one worst off, always the one left on my own.

I will not be patronised into thinking “I’ve done this to myself” – i really haven’t. He has taken full advantage of my kind, caring, generous heart for years and used it for his own self gain, not mine.  He has made me feel so worthless, i am clearly someone who is so easy to throw away. Worst of all he’s made me hate myself, not him.

When i told my parents tonight, i had – the worst – panic attack of my life, ever. I collapsed on the floor, i threw up and could not shaking or catch my breathe. My poor dad had to carry me to the sofa because i just could not get up. That is what true heartbreak feels like. This isn’t me ‘being dramatic’ – this is shock and this is real. I’ve lost so much weight now i am going to plummet even more, not that i care about that, i don’t give a shit.

When you truly love someone, this is what heartbreak looks and feels like. It couldn’t be painted clearer now that he didn’t love me. Pain and heartbreak doesn’t go away, how someone made you feel doesn’t go away. I have to live with this loss and devastation for the rest of my life. If i can love with all my heart and forever put someone first and worship the fucking ground they walk on – I am an unloveable person. I am not good enough and i never will be for anyone. All i am is a fucking idiot.

I’ll never forgive myself for being so fucking STUPID. Never again will i love, never again will i put myself into this position. Now i completely understand how ‘good’ people turn bad, they are fucked up by other fucked up people. Im sure half of this is because i can’t think straight,

 but facts are I’ve been laid on the floor vomiting and sobbing in pain to my parents while he probably out living his lovely new future with mrs perfect who I’m sure will be able to laugh at me at any given time – some girl loving the man I loved – being happy right now to have found him. I just can’t. Its so fucked up and hurting me so bad. He was my best friend. My fucking best friend. And now I’ve lost him for the rest of my life 



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