The feeling he has left me with is that i didn’t even exist. Those 6 years together didn’t exist. I am so hurt. 3 months and he is with someone else already. All this time i have been crying, and crying myself to sleep, and missing him so, so painfully much – he’s been fucking someone else. There are no words for how that feels, it is humiliation. I am so fucking stupid for even thinking that he missed me. So fucking stupid. I really thought i was his best friend and that he had respect for me. There is none.
It is more then feeling sick to my stomach because i have been physically sick so many times in the last 24 hours. He might of made his mind up 12 months ago that he didn’t love me, but he carried on pulling me along, giving me false hope, reassuring me we would be ok – and i believed it! I never thought id be apart from him because i am so stupid to think i meant a lot to him, i really thought he treasured me. So many nights i sat in on my own just hoping that he would come home to me.
Then he went away on holiday with his friends without me, what was i doing? i was buying him ‘welcome back’ presents, making sure i had his favourite food in and his work uniform was all washed and buying his magazines. When he was away i went to bed alone thinking “god, i really love and miss this boy” and i couldn’t be more excited for when he came home. Then he did. Then he told me what he was really feeling. It was so fucking cruel, he must of known what he was going to do weeks before he went away.
I still feel like everything was my fault, i clearly didn’t do enough to make him happy. I feel like i was really unlovable and worthless. I am just in so much pain and shock. But as always, i still can’t hate him. No matter how much i try. I still see the goofy, smart, charming boy i fell in love with who was proud to call me his and would of never of left me in this state. Where the fuck did he go?
I don’t think i would ever be able to forgive him for all the pain he has caused me. He has made my anxiety a million times worse then it ever was, my panic attacks are more painful and more frequent then they ever were. He has robbed me of all my love, loyalty and kindness. When other people say his name i tremble and can’t stop – because i think i am actually scared of him. Im scared of how much pain one person can make me feel. I’m scared of what i will find out next and I’m scared i am going to have to deal with anymore pain. He really did live up to his name.