I had my first session with Alan today. He is a ‘psychologist that specialises in anxiety‘ so I’ve been told. He works with Debbie and she has promised me he’s a great contact to have in my life, I’m still seeng Debbie but once a week i will pay extra to see Alan.
Today was an induction, but he did seem nice, but i am nervous over it all. He is basically going to help me ‘mentally block’ the memories which are keeping me up all night or upsetting me constantly. Apparently this type of therapy is all about dealing with grief, dead or alive – he reassured me many people have this therapy with difficult break ups, it is mourning the loss of someone you loved. It is not just him i am grieving either, its my flat, my routine and 6 years worth of memories falling in love with him.
The person i loved has gone, my best friend has gone and he is never coming back for me, and it’s ok that i am having a really hard time trying to process that.
I want to be able to wake up every morning and not see his brown eyes staring at me, or hear his laugh or watch something that reminds me of him. Or wake up and still feel like i am in my flat, or roll over in the night expecting to see him there. Now all i see is him with someone else. The pain is unbearable. I feel incredibly sad inside – more then sad – ‘sad’ doesn’t cover how i feel. It is just emptiness, i can’t even cry. Everything inside me wants to always love him and always feel the happiness he gave me, i always want to hang onto that feeling – but i can’t – because quite frankly it is destroying me. I have lost so much weight and sleep is not my friend. So here is to giving this ago to see if this does help me. I will keep you updated.