Suicide Squad [102]

Group therapy. I had been offered group therapy before, but i didn’t feel confident or ready to face it but tonight i went just to see what it would be like. In my head I’ve already nic-named it suicide squad.

First of all i was late (only by like 10 minutes) so the session had already started – every anxiety sufferers worst nightmare – because i then had to knock on the door and enter a room full of strangers, i had no idea who anyone was or where to sit. Luckily, these people understand and couldn’t of made me feel more welcome as i stood trembling like an idiot.

The group i am with are all people suffering with depression. It was all going well until one man told us about his depression, he told us about how worthless he felt and that he feels so alone and unloved, he had tried to commit suicide 6 times, and his last attempt was 3 weeks ago. As he was talking tears were rolling down my cheeks – I HAVEN’T CRIED ONE TEAR IN 6 WEEKS – but this guy got me, something in my heart flickered again. I felt emotionally connected and all i wanted to do was tell him it will be ok. I just could not stop crying, mainly because he was so nice. The group leader asked me why i was crying (in a nice way) and i just said because it’s so sad. At the end of the session the man came over to me and said he felt bad for making me cry and gave me the biggest hug. A complete stranger hugging me.

I think i will go back, but not soon, i wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about my depression yet. I can’t even think straight let alone try and tell a group of strangers about it.  Has anyone on here had group therapy? Did you guys find it helpful?

New Job! [101]

I was blessed with some exciting new today, i got a new job! I am still completely shocked. I was approached for the role but after being told 17 people had also applied, i did not even consider myself a chance after the interview – how did this happen?  Before the interview i had a panic attack and could barely get out the car. This is a great step forward for me in my life, it does involves a commute, but i don’t mind driving with the smashing pumpkins full blast, it’s better pay and far more fulfilling then what i am doing now.

I had therapy with Alan after work today, i can’t decide if i like him or despise him? I just know that after I’ve seen Alan i remember him a little less each time, which gives me a huge sense of relief and a huge sense sense of depression. This is never what i wanted, I miss him so fucking much, but i can’t keep fighting anymore.

100 [100]

Wow, my 100th blog post! Who would of thought i would of actually carried on daily blogging my life 100 days ago? In 100 days, i have over 100 followers which is just mad. Thank you so much for the daily messages/comments/likes – it’s nice to know people actually take comfort in reading about my day.

I’m actually feeling really anxious today, my stomach is in knots and it’s not a shock to say i can’t face eating anything. I just keep having flash backs today and they make me feel really uneasy and sick. I have therapy with Alan tomorrow, i feel like the extra sessions are helping me but also i feel like it’s fucking with my head and my memories, but equally i just don’t care – if this type of therapy is what i need then i will carry on with. Does anyone know what i mean?

 

Today. [99]

Today, i was driving along with the sunshine glowing on my face and one of my all time favourite songs came on shuffle. I turned it up so loud and honestly, the biggest smile came out of nowhere across my face. It took me right back to summer a few years ago, a really happy time in my life.

I haven’t had that feeling of happiness in a really fucking long time, even if it was only for 3 minutes. Once again i can thank Smashing Pumpkins for making my day.

Pink ribbon scars that never forget, I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets.

This is my body. [95]

The whole idea of my blog was to always be honest and document my life everyday, so here it is, here is my body. It is disgusting, i know. Incase you can’t make it out, my ribs are the lump on the left. I actually hope this photo helps someone else, don’t get into this state. I know i’ll get a lot of worried messages for posting this, no I’m not in a good state at all – but yes i am getting all the help i need.