I’m not crying wolf,’ you whisper,
‘I’m really dead this time…
This is a blog post i have wanted to write for ages, but i have been scared to because of the reaction i might get. When anyone talks about suicide it (for obvious reasons) sets a lot of people into panic.
Just to clear this up, I have never tried to commit suicide. I am lucky enough to have a piece of my mind which wouldn’t be able to put my family through that much pain and devastation. But, i have had suicidal thoughts, depression will make you have suicidal thoughts. At my darkest times, i have walked for miles on my own on pitch black country lanes preying that i would just disappear, or drove to carparks at night and sobbed so much that i’d be sick because the pains in my chest would hurt so much, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Or, more commonly now, i will lay for hours on my bed feeling paralysingly numb and empty and wishing it would all just end and that nobody cares.
My therapist said it’s actually thought of ‘not being able to go on‘ rather then the act i struggle with. Trust me, i know what it is like to feel unbearable pain, i feel it every single day. The saddness is riddled inside me, nobody could hate myself more then i do. However, i am learning to block it all, i don’t feel any emotion now, i haven’t cried one single tear in a long time. It feels like i’ll always feel this fucked up, this depressed and in this much pain, but i just have to trust the support of my therapists that i won’t. They do a really great job, and i have learnt to trust them. Please don’t let the state of your irrational panic attacks or spiraliing depression push you over that line, there is always someone who can help you, even when you feel completely alone.