Why i can’t stay. [82]

I had therapy tonight with Debbie, tonight we literally just talked about the future and my future plans. To be honest i don’t have any, all the things i wanted (marriage, a house and kids with him) are now the things i never want. I really mean that, that was always what i wanted with him. Now i have been away from all of that and on my own, I’ve realised actually the life i want is far more then this. I don’t want shitty dates meeting new people in the hope of finding someone else  to ‘live the rest of my life with‘ – i had that person, i had that feeling, and I’ve had a love that was out of this world and it has left me fucked up, depressed and close to suicidal. Why the fuck would i ever want to risk putting myself in this position again? I have just no interest in meeting anyone else, I just don’t give a shit about anyone, i will never be able to love or go above and beyond for someone again. That part of me died and i couldn’t bring her back even if i wanted to.

I have so far saved £4 thousand, which isn’t a vast amount, but it’s not too bad either. I think i am going to go travelling, I’m still not sure and haven’t drawn any kind of plan together, but i just know i can’t stay here, feeling suffocated. I don’t want that normal 9-5 routine and i most defiantly do not want the house and kids. All i need to do is keep saving,  i will hopefully have around £7 thousand by summer, so i suppose i better start thinking before i disappear.

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