Why i won’t eat. [92]

I get asked this question a lot, by my therapist, by my family, by my friends and by my colleagues. I am sick of having to explain or make excuses. I don’t eat because I’m really fucking sad. Depression is a sadness which doesn’t lift. I’m not sad as in crying my eyes out every minute of everyday (trust me, I’ve gone through that stage) – I’m actually the opposite, I’m so sad that i can’t cry. I haven’t cried one tear in over 4 weeks.

I am just empty, empty is the only word i can use. I miss someone a hell of a lot, that pain lingers within my every single day, so yeah i don’t feel like eating when i feel so sad.  Eating next to nothing everyday is my way of coping, it’s not good, it’s not healthy, it’s insane but i can’t help how i feel. How can you eat when you don’t feel anything? It makes me feel sick instantly. There are other issues aswel, now i am terrified to put weight back on, because i don’t want to wake up and be the girl i used to be – it’s a shitty cycle to be stuck on. I know everyone is judging me, or laughing at me, but this is where i am in my life. It’s a really lonely place to be in right now. All i want to do is support other people who are stuck in this hell aswel. I am so grateful for you guys on here. X

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