I love Disney. I saw the new Beauty & The Beast tonight and it was just so good, it reminded me so much of my childhood. That pure happiness and magical memories spent in Florida, Disney films are so comforting. I love how all the Disney films have a hidden meaning. Hercules & Aladdin will always be my fave! You are never too old for abit of magic. 🌟
Staring my blog on a positive note – I picked up my brand new car today! I am honestly so proud, everytime I look at it i think “I paid for that”. I love it already, although I was sad to say goodbye to my old one. God bless that car.
So then I went and did my food shop (adult life, except I really don’t eat much so you can’t call it a food shop) a ‘mutual friend’ – although i really wouldn’t call them my friend at all, stopped to say hi and then straight away went in with “I’m sorry to hear he cheated on you, what happened?” – and honestly i was ready to flip, i was like how the fuck do you know about it and i didn’t?! And don’t lie, you know exactly what happened. It fucking hurts so much, i feel so paranoid that everyone knew apart from me. I didn’t freak out though, i was just extremely blunt and was like “it’s fine, don’t want to talk about it” and just gave him the look of death. My face must of said it all. I am just exhausted of all the toxic energy. Why do people have to keep reminding me everyday when I’m trying so hard to sort my head out. I really do believe people get a little kick out of making you feel insignificant.
To Emm, love Emm..
“I’ll have you living life like you should, you’ll say you never had it so good.”
I woke up so happy this morning, as i was getting ready for work I was listening to this dancing around my room in my underwear (who’d of thought i’d mentally get to this place?) to this song full blast and honestly, I look great. As much as i wish i could go back in time, i would not go back to that fat horrible body. The one good thing that has come out of this devestating break up is my new sexy body. This is my song to myself. 🌍🙏🏻✈️🎒
How have I gone from suicidal to smiles? – all I’m doing is following the advice from my therapists, professional help. Of course I still feel terrible inside, but I’ve been told if I hang onto the guilt and shame of what I did I will destroy myself time & time again. So instead I’ve had to hold my hands up and apologise, to everyone I’ve hurt, which I’ve done (although he didn’t reply which is understandable but I can’t think on that too much otherwise it will set me off) All I’m doing now is trying hard to find peace for myself though positivity.
One thing i have to do for therapy is list 10 things I love (this has taken me a long time to think of 10 things) and bring them to Tuesday nights sessions, so i thought why not write them on my blog then I can print this off. I can share some positivity with you guys to.
- Animals. My biggest love for aslong as i can remember. As a tiny child everyone knew how much I loved animals, from the day i left school i turned vegetarian and went straight to college to do Animal Welfare (unfortunately that didn’t work out), but I feel like my love for animals is built in me, i can’t express how happy they make me.
- Travel. I love to see the world and going away, i want to see as much as a i can in my life – as simple as that.
- Space. I am that annoying person who is always starring into space. Space boggles my mind, I love nothing more then just staring at the stars. Films about space are my favourite. I love learning about the planets, oneday i will buy myself a telescope. Nothing is more relaxing then walking around at night looking at the stars.
- Ancient History. At the moment this is still bittersweet for me, he introduced me to ancient history, something I had never really thought about before. But it has opened my eyes to a whole new world, I absolutely love learning about Romans, Greeks/Greek myth & Egyptians. It’s just hard for me to love it on my own.
- Astrology. Im sure you’ve picked up by now that I am Cancer. I have believed in my horoscope for a really long time, it’s a load of rubbish to some people, but to me they have always been extremely accurate and my personality is that of a Cancerian – it just blows my mind everytime. I don’t trust or believe in God, but i do the Zodiac. I feel connected to the universe.
- Photography. I love taking photos, i love preserving memories and being creative with the way we look at the world. I am a qualified photographer, my dream is just to travel with my camera and get beautiful photos of the world and wildlife, I’m not in it for a high flying career.
- Adventure. This is something that scares me, when you suffer from anxiety it is a lot harder to leave your comfort zone. However as i’ve got older the more the desire for adventure bursts out of me, I am pretty proud of myself for following this gut feeling and booking that trip across the world. I want to make a diffference, no matter how small it might be, wildlife conservation is so important to me.
- Yoga. I used to love yoga, but i lost my confidence when i put on weight, then my anxiety was so bad the thought of joining a class seemed overwhelming. It just so happens at my new job they run a yoga class once a week, i have only been to 1 session so far, but i love it already and because i have lost weight i feel confident again. It is so mentally good for me, and really good for my back.
- Saving money. I have always been good with my money, i have never got in a mess, but lately i have really enjoyed saving. I only buy things i need, i hate wasting money, I used to spend a lot on make up and just junk in general, but now i am always thinking “you don’t need that, put it to better use” and it is so rewarding for me seeing the money stack up every month.
- Kindness. One of my biggest flaws/weaknesses is kindness. I love helping people/animals whatever it might be, i don’t know why but i just have a nurturing nature. I also have a painfully annoying forgiving nature, I can just sympathise with people. In fact, the people who have hurt me the most over the years are the ones i lay awake missing and always want to smoother in love and tell them it’s ok. My god i wish i could do that now, but I am not good at being kind to myself, in fact i very rarely am. I forever feel like things are always my fault, i abuse my body by not eating properly, i let my anxiety hold me back etc etc etc. However, this is what therapy is for, my chance to get over these hurdles.
I’m not feeling better as in “I’m fine and over it now”. The though that he cheated on me still hurts beyond belief, but I’ve had a busy week with therapy and to be honest a few simple things I’ve been told has helped me get my mind back straight.
- It was ok to freak out and have a relapse – i know i had been doing well and have achieved a lot lately, being told i was cheated on did knock me back down, but i lost control because i care and i was completely heartbroken in every sense of the word – he was the love of my life, I’ll always love him no matter what and that’s not a bad thing. The bad thing is what i did, i have to apologise but it’s too raw right now, i don’t feel like i should be the one apologising but i know in my heart i have to because it wasn’t fair.
- Being at group therapy has a very positive effect on me, the people are lovely and i feel like i have made friends already.
- To take comfort in the fact the pain is over now. There is nothing left to endure, I’ve experienced it all and (just about) got through the other side, my biggest anxiety and fear was that he cheated on me and would move on quickly and quite frankly he did both and i (almost) feel like nothing else will surprise me or hurt me. The only pain that still hurts is the really happy memories and the thought that i’ll live my life not knowing him. The thought is still unbearable for me.
- Now it’s time to heal, i think i have a lot over the past couple of months but now i want to start thriving again. To be honest the only thing i am focusing on is my travels and living my dream of doing wildlife conservation and taking my camera with me. I’m not interested in meeting someone else, probably because I’m too selfish now, Im used to being on my own and do not want someone distracting me from what I truly want. 🙏🏻🌍🦍🦀🌋🌴🌞
I have been told if i give up on my blog it will be a waste, so here i am, back again but I’m not sure if i will daily blog anymore.
So what’s new? – i’ve had a pretty crazy 3 days since Saturday nights events. Obviously from what i did i had to go see a doctor, i went in there expecting to be told “you’re mentally unstable, you’re going on anti-depressents” but actually it was the opposite, he said i don’t need them, instead i have to go to group therapy which i knew would be the case anyway. But it’s a different one out of town. I went last night, it wasn’t that scary, they were the fucking nicest people I’ve met in a long time, it wasn’t depressing either, no crying. I have a lot of changes to make but i feel for the first time quite confident i will get through this depression.
How does it feel to be told you were cheated on? – terrible, obviously. Devastated doesn’t quite cover it. I actually feel sorry for him, because the stupid bint clearly isn’t a nice girl because she also got involved in one of my friends relationships, i’ve seen the messages she sent to her boyfriend recently and they are fucking vile. I actually would like to make him aware because i do still care about him, but there’s no way i would. The whole thing is toxic to me and i don’t want to be apart of it.
Before i found out this lovely news, i was actually doing ok. New job, moving out, going travelling and i brought myself a brand new car!! I did all of those things on my own, independently, atleast for all the nights I’ve stayed in depressed and crying it means I’ve saved a hell of a lot of money to do all those things, the last hurdle for me now is just to find peace.
I think last night was up there with one of the worst nights of my life. Everyone knows how much i struggle going out, the past 2 times I’ve gone out I’ve had people tell me who he’s fucking, this and that or that apparently “we broke up because i was fat”. I actually didn’t feel too anxious last night, i felt quite strong and proud of myself, I actually wasn’t drunk as i hadn’t even been out much more then 2 hours. Then, some ugly random patronising bint called me to oneside to say “Emm you seem like a really sweet girl but he did cheat on you etc etc etc” and quite honestly i was not mentally prepared to hear that last night, i didn’t even let her finish because the pain in my chest was unbearable, i went straight home but instead of just soaking up the pain and remembering all my therapy techniques on how to deal with a panic attack – i went on the path of self destruction.
I took a lot of painkillers – and quite honestly i can say i was absolutely ready to not be here anymore. Something switched, i felt an uncontrollable rage inside me, i’ve never had that feeling before, i smashed a lot of stuff, i’ve never felt anger like that, i am really not an angry person, that feeling of feeling like the most dumbest girl in the world – and then i just thought whats the point of me being here? i felt so saturated with emotional pain & grief that i can’t absorb anymore and it felt like there was noway to get away from the pain anymore. Obviously it didn’t work as i am still here. All that happened was that i was vomiting for about 2/3 hours straight (i can’t remember) i also know that i tried to call him 1. to hear it for myself and 2. i was home alone, if anyone could calm me down or make me listen it would be him. They are the times that it hits me that all I want is my best friend back – Nope that didn’t go down well either. Now i have to deal with the guilt and shame of that.
However i did then have the sense to ring Debbie, not my family. I can’t deal with anyone else being ashamed of me. Debbie gets it, she told me I’m not mental, I’m not suicidal, I’m just not thinking clearly. She spoke to me like a real person and just kept telling me to breathe and breathe and breathe and that this isn’t me, it’s just a panic attack. She reminded me of how well i had been doing and all the goods things about myself, she was even ready to come over to mine but i promised her i was ok. She’s going to meet me today to talk. So now i can look forward to having to go to suicide squad (group therapy) aswel as everything else.
I am the lowest of the low and feel like the most disgusting, shameful person on the planet. All i ever do is it let myself down and make terrible decisions. How did loving one person so fucking much spiral me to become this person? I’ve lost 2 stone, i hate myself but i can’t hate him, the only person i blame for everything is myself, everything was my fault, a reflection on me and all the things i did wrong. My mind/memory is fucked from therapy and i have the worst panic attacks that just cause pain to myself and other people.
Yet the other half of me knows i have a kind, loving caring heart and would do anything to help people, or animals, all i want to do is good in the world. I know that i am smart and i am better then this, but no matter how hard i try i fall right back to the bottom.
I can’t be kind to myself. Because every time i tell myself that, the other half of me says “well you must be pretty bad because he couldn’t get away from you quick enough” or just when i start doing ok again, i have people tell me things i don’t want to hear which sinks me lower. I just wish i knew where i went wrong – i loved him so much and strived so hard to show him that, i forgave him for all sorts in the past, because i all i could ever see was the good in him, i was the one who picked him up when he was one a complete drunk mess in the street, all i ever wanted to do was look after him and give him everything. I was always spoiling him and took him where ever he wanted to go, i put my heart and soul into our flat, i always did the jobs, i always wanted to go away and plan our trips, even when he went away with his friends i gave him my own euroes to spend! I did have my own anxiety issues, but he always understood and never judged me, he was my best friend through everything.
I am not sure if i am going to continue with my blog, which i feel really shit about because i get so many messages from you guys saying thank you and apparently it helps you. It has really helped me aswel, i’ve never had to feel lonely on here because you guys have been straight there to support me and give me advise so thank you so, so much. But i don’t feel like the way i have dealt with anything is something to be inspired by. I don’t want people to read about the things I’ve done and think it’s ok because it’s really not. I don’t know, maybe i just need a break. I really will miss you guys, you’re part of my daily routine now.
I wish i could say sorry to everyone who has had to deal with me for the past 5 months, i am sorry for being the biggest burden, I’m sorry to my family and friends, I’m really sorry to him. I’m sorry for myself, I’ve let myself down massively. I feel like now is my one last chance to try and save myself from the devil inside.
I now completely understand how people end up absolutely fucking crazy from their past, look at the state of me now. 6 years i devoted of my life and myself to be told he cheated on me. God help me. All I think is that what if she was in my flat, that absolutely kills me. or all those times he was out and I was at home he was with her. I hope the thrill of cheating on someone who would of given him the world works out for him. He said it’s not true but he cheated on me 5 years ago so how can I ever believe him no matter how much I wish I could? I rebuilt all of that trust, but why would someone I don’t even know tell me. It’s like the whole fucking world knew before me, I am such a mug.
The only one devastated is me. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my flat, 6 years of memories, my fucking mind and now to be told oh yes he cheated aswel, it’s just too much for me to handle.
To all my fellow Cancerians who are feeling down today. 🦀
So I had therapy tonight with Alan, and the boy who broke my heart was walking in front of me through town laughing with his friends and probably his fat binty girlfriend. Of course he didn’t see me, I’m an invisible insignificant piece of shit to him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at his face. Everything has to stay blocked.