So broken. [103]

Wow this depression never lifts within me. Even when i have great news like a new job and managed to save over £4 thousand pounds to go on a trip of a lifetime – i still can’t feel happy inside. My mind is absolutely fucked. Hours of therapy have lead me to this, i am not the girl i used to be, i don’t want to be that girl again, but i have no idea who i am now. I am just existing and fighting every single day,  i am exhausted and it’s a fucking miserable existence. My best friend hates me, he doesn’t care, he’s gone forever and he has left me feeling like the most horrendous person in the world. Maybe i am, don’t they say you get what you deserve?  To be honest that’s where all the pains lies and i can soak up that pain everyday, but what is destroying me now is i am mentally suffering,  I am so sick of therapists. Are they actually helping?? I don’t want to eat. Everything is just a mess in my head, i can’t even remember my old life, everything i loved has been mentally blocked. If you can’t tell my anxiety is fucking insane today, i remember that man i saw yesterday and i am terrified that is what my future will look like.

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