I thought i was drunk last night, but i’ve woken up feeling completely fine, and i was home before 1am, i think i was just ‘tipsy’. Last night i sat there just for 1 minute thinking my anxiety has actually come along way – i got on a train, went to a busy bar and (‘a busy bar’ is one of my triggers, that atmosphere of feeling trapped with lots of drunk people was one of the main reasons i never went out) but, i didn’t even have the hint of a panic attack, maybe therapy is helping me, breathing exercises definitely do!
OH YEAH- the girl he has been fucking (or so everyone tells me) served me my drink last night when we got back to home town. She looked at me like a piece of shit, which is fine because I am so used to being the one everyone looks down on. Part of me wanted to scratch her ugly fat face off, then I remembered 1. I’d never physically attack anyone. 2. this is exactly why I’m going away – to not be surrounded by these idiots and 3. Different people tell me different things, I don’t recognise the person they are talking about at all because he wasn’t that person to me and quite frankly I don’t care. I don’t care about her, I don’t even care about myself. Ironically I still care about him. Or I care about the memory of what I have left, I seriously can’t remember his face it’s all blocked and a blur, i actually wonder if I have walked past him several times and haven’t even realised? I don’t know, all of it can fuck off.
I also don’t care what i look like anymore, before i would spend quite literally hours trying on everything in my wardrobe and crying that nothing looked nice, or i would redo my hair and make over & over – yesterday i literally just wore the most casual clothes, my relaxed non fussy style. I felt so much better for it. *TOP TIP* if you’ve lost loads of weight, wear big baggy clothes, it stops the patronising “oh wow you’ve lost loads of weight, you look great! comments.
Sunday plans – i need to pay another chunk towards my trip!!! It still hasn’t sunk in, i suppose because i am still scared i try not to think about it too much at the moment.
I also need to look at new cars, i love my car so much, but he is starting to show his age now 😦 we have had many adventures, i still remember the excitement of passing my test and driving on my own for the first time. My car was the only comfort i had when i had nowhere else to go, crying in car parks etc or driving along empty roads blasting Smashing Pumpkins full blast, he is more then i car i tell you! 😦