I feel genuinely excited about my trip for the first time today! I suppose it’s feeling more real now i have paid half of it off. It’s funny because all this time i have been scared about travelling alone, but after realising i am on my own, and I’m used to being on my own, i know i’ll be absolutely fine (although the thought of flying 14 hours or so on my own puts my stomach straight into knots) but this is why I have to do it, to prove to myself I am bigger then my anxiety.
I have always wanted to travel – seeing the world is my main focus, not mortgages or having kids. The thought of that daily routine actually makes me feel sick and uneasy. Even the thought of another relationship, I just can’t and I’d never be able to fall in a love so deep again. It makes me feel so suffocated.
I am not going travelling for a holiday, i am going to be making a difference, however small it might be it is a start. I am living my dream. I cannot thank Debbie my therapist enough for giving me the encouragement i need to book it and helping me arrange everything.
The one thing that still aches my heart so painfully much is not being able to share this happiness with him, i know how much he would of loved to come, it was everything i had hoped we would of done together. Even after everything, he is still the one person i wish i could take, because i know him, i spent nearly 7 years getting to know him. I can’t even send him a message to let him know i am going, i’ll never be able to tell him about my adventure, or tell him what i achieved. He will never be able to see the person i am becoming. It’s heartbreaking. He will only ever remember me for what I was.