Insomnia [109]

It’s Tuesday, 4:48am. I woke up at 3, I had a dream that him and her were faulting it in my face and laughing at me, which probably isn’t far from the truth anyway. I can’t get her ugly fat fucking face out my head. Even though he’s hurt me beyond any words can describe, I feel like no hours of seeing a shrink will ever make me better, he can block all the memories and make me forget his face and remind me daily of all the bad stuff, but he’ll never be able to stop me from missing him. 

Missing someone is by far the worst pain to endure, it’s the pain that keeps me up quite literally all night. A grief that’s always there but can never be fulfilled, something I will carry with me for the rest of my life, the ultimate punishment. 

The pain that gets me most is that I will the live the rest of my life without knowing him, not the pain of what he did. I wish I could let him know that. I mean it when I say this that I hope he doesn’t wake up in the night thinking of me (I’m sure there’s no danger of that, clearly I am an unmissable person) But never the the less I can’t bare the thought of it. What’s REALLY fucked up is I miss really stupid things, like giving him head and neck messages after a long day at work, i miss him goofing around and making me laugh, or talking about life at 2am. What a fucking massive hole he’s left.

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