The devil in I. [121]

I think last night was up there with one of the worst nights of my life. Everyone knows how much i struggle going out, the past 2 times I’ve gone out I’ve had people tell me who he’s fucking, this and that or that apparently “we broke up because i was fat”. I actually didn’t feel too anxious last night, i felt quite strong and proud of myself, I actually wasn’t drunk as i hadn’t even been out much more then 2 hours. Then, some ugly random patronising bint called me to oneside to say “Emm you seem like a really sweet girl but he did cheat on you etc etc etc” and quite honestly i was not mentally prepared to hear that last night, i didn’t even let her finish because the pain in my chest was unbearable, i went straight home but instead of just soaking up the pain and remembering all my therapy techniques on how to deal with a panic attack – i went on the path of self destruction.

I took a lot of painkillers – and quite honestly i can say i was absolutely ready to not be here anymore. Something switched, i felt an uncontrollable rage inside me, i’ve never had that feeling before, i smashed a lot of stuff, i’ve never felt anger like that, i am really not an angry person, that feeling of feeling like the most dumbest girl in the world – and then i just thought whats the point of me being here? i felt so saturated with emotional pain & grief that i can’t absorb anymore and it felt like there was noway to get away from the pain anymore. Obviously it didn’t work as i am still here. All that happened was that i was vomiting for about 2/3 hours straight (i can’t remember) i also know that i tried to call him 1. to hear it for myself and 2. i was home alone, if anyone could calm me down or make me listen it would be him. They are the times that it hits me that all I want is my best friend back – Nope that didn’t go down well either. Now i have to deal with the guilt and shame of that.

However i did then have the sense to ring Debbie, not my family. I can’t deal with anyone else being ashamed of me. Debbie gets it, she told me I’m not mental, I’m not suicidal, I’m just not thinking clearly. She spoke to me like a real person and just kept telling me to breathe and breathe and breathe and that this isn’t me, it’s just a panic attack. She reminded me of how well i had been doing and all the goods things about myself, she was even ready to come over to mine but i promised her i was ok. She’s going to meet me today to talk. So now i can look forward to having to go to suicide squad (group therapy) aswel as everything else.

I am the lowest of the low and feel like the most disgusting, shameful person on the planet. All i ever do is it let myself down and make terrible decisions. How did loving one person so fucking much spiral me to become this person? I’ve lost 2 stone, i hate myself but i can’t hate him, the only person i blame for everything is myself, everything was my fault, a reflection on me and all the things i did wrong. My mind/memory is fucked from therapy and i have the worst panic attacks that just cause pain to myself and other people.

Yet the other half of me knows i have a kind, loving caring heart and would do anything to help people, or animals, all i want to do is good in the world. I know that i am smart and i am better then this, but no matter how hard i try i fall right back to the bottom.

I can’t be kind to myself. Because every time i tell myself that, the other half of me says “well you must be pretty bad because he couldn’t get away from you quick enough”  or just when i start doing ok again, i have people tell me things i don’t want to hear which sinks me lower. I just wish i knew where i went wrong – i loved him so much and strived so hard to show him that, i forgave him for all sorts in the past, because i all i could ever see was the good in him, i was the one who picked him up when he was one a complete drunk mess in the street, all i ever wanted to do was look after him and give him everything. I was always spoiling him and took him where ever he wanted to go, i put my heart and soul into our flat, i always did the jobs, i always wanted to go away and plan our trips, even when he went away with his friends i gave him my own euroes to spend! I did have my own anxiety issues, but he always understood and never judged me, he was my best friend through everything.

I am not sure if i am going to continue with my blog, which i feel really shit about because i get so many messages from you guys saying thank you and apparently it helps you. It has really helped me aswel, i’ve never had to feel lonely on here because you guys have been straight there to support me and give me advise so thank you so, so much. But i don’t feel like the way i have dealt with anything is something to be inspired by. I don’t want people to read about the things I’ve done and think it’s ok because it’s really not. I don’t know, maybe i just need a break. I really will miss you guys, you’re part of my daily  routine now.

I wish i could say sorry to everyone who has had to deal with me for the past 5 months, i am sorry for being the biggest burden, I’m sorry to my family and friends,  I’m really sorry to him. I’m sorry for myself, I’ve let myself down massively. I feel like now is my one last chance to try and save myself from the devil inside.

I now completely understand how people end up absolutely fucking crazy from their past, look at the state of me now. 6 years i devoted of my life and myself to be told he cheated on me. God help me. All I think is that what if she was in my flat, that absolutely kills me. or all those times he was out and I was at home he was with her.  I hope the thrill of cheating on someone who would of given him the world works out for him. He said it’s not true but he cheated on me 5 years ago so how can I ever believe him no matter how much I wish I could? I rebuilt all of that trust, but why would someone I don’t even know tell me. It’s like the whole fucking world knew before me, I am such a mug. 

The only one devastated is me. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my flat, 6 years of memories, my fucking mind and now to be told oh yes he cheated aswel, it’s just too much for me to handle.  

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4 thoughts on “The devil in I. [121]

  1. I’m so glad you’re okay. I agree with Debbie you’re not mental or suicidal it just shows you wasn’t thinking clearly. It’s a good thing you had someone to talk to about your situation. I pray that good things come your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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