30 seconds / hold onto hope [162]

Here’s a sneak peak of something I am working on. My life ๐ŸŒš 

There really is so much more to depression then sat being miserable and hating life – for me depression isn’t like that at all. It’s a saddest which just comes out of nowhere, a numb, lonely empty feeling. For me it’s the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. As much as I love him as a person and don’t think bad of him, that is the damage he’s mentally left me with.

 I also miss his company so much. It really is a greif that never goes away, and to know he doesn’t miss mine is so emotionally hard to deal with, like 6 years were nothing. And just a kick in the face that his new GF has already cheated on him (see previous blog), feeling worthless is so damaging. I hope so much we will be good friends again. We shared so much and I can’t  imagine my life without him, but it feels like he chucked me aside and forgot about me. What a way to leave someone who did everything for them. All I could ever hope for is that we can meet for coffee or go for walks, I want to be able to show him photos of everywhere I’ve gone. I always want to be there for him. I just want the friendship we always had. But then I remember all the pain – the pain still gets me, what if it always still gets me? All I’ve got left is hope, if you haven’t got hope you haven’t got anything.  ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Capturing the little beautiful moments helps ease this feeling and sets my focus back straight.. then I remind myself this is exactly why I am going away. Instead of letting that feeling destroy me over & over I want to make something good come out of it. All that love I had for him can be put into helping animals & people, I’m pretty sure that won’t make me feel worthless. ๐Ÿ’™๐ŸŒ 

I know I can’t change lives or save the world, but for me the fact I am there getting involved. How many people say they want to help but actually bother to get on a plane and go do it? If I’ve learnt something it’s that people are incredibly selfish. Aslong as the roof over your head is covered don’t worry about all the people who have absolutely nothing ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป or the damage humans have done to the wildlife & environment, don’t worry about that just go enjoy your shitty drunk holidays laid by the pool. (I’m getting angry now). When I go to the refugee camp I think that will change my life forever. Lord knows I won’t come back the same person, which can only be a good thing.

โ€‹โ€‹

Darius III [161]

Just scrolling through social media and a page I follow just posted this. It made my heart jump because I’ve seen this before. We had it framed on our wall. My memory of the flat is all abit of a blur but I just know this was the picture we brought together in Naples, in the archeological museum.

It’s simple things like this which make me miss my best friend so much, I can hear him in my head right now telling me the story of the battle (in great detail, it was never a quick story) but I was so in love with them anyway it didn’t matter. Please come back. Just for one day ๐Ÿ˜ž

Trying to turn this post from negative to positive: I can’t really, those memories are so fucking precious. Completely irreplaceable. It’s just a shame I’m not. His new cheating GF (and thats’s exactly what she is, my god if i was a nasty person i would love to post all the screenshots on here of messages she’s been sending to someone else, but obviously I would never do that) would be quick to take down this picture. 

For me the worst part is feeling helpless, the fact she can do that to the person I treasure with all my heart makes my blood boil. If I told him I would straight away be excused of lying, or the crazy ex girlfriend – crazy yes, i’ll take that, but I just can’t get involved, yet I feel like I’m being dishonest to him by not telling him? but how can i? I can’t face anymore humiliation of when it comes back to hit me and not her. Or, if the other guy actually listens to me, he will never know that I was the one who battered him off. I did that for him, all out of love and because I don’t want him to get hurt, the hardest thing in the world for me to do because if anything I’ve now just pushed her closer to him, because she’ll be missing the attention from the other guy. All I want to do is protect him, I’m a protector and it’s so hard for me to just sit back watch, it goes against my whole gut instinct, but I have to on this one. Invisible might aswel be my middle name ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป atleast I’ll be there if he ever ends up needing me in life ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป ugh why is life so painfully unfair. Actually no it’s not, I just have to remember all the refugees and animals I’m going to help, life is not fair to them, not me. ๐ŸŒ

 Anyway, I’ll be back in Naples in 5 or so weeks, it will be fucking hard but I really don’t have a choice in it. I think I will try and find a small print of this though, I can frame it in my new place and just look at it and feel thankful for all the happiness it brought me.

The next adventure… [160]

Since i’ve been listening to ToTo-Africa everyday for the past month – it really is my favourite song – it’s no shock to say I’m going to Africa! I really don’t know why but I am in love with Lions. They’re just so beautiful and fascinating to me and I just have to be out there with them. I have spent all evening researching different places I can go to, and now i’ve got my heart set on going to this private game reserve and wildlife conservation park. You get to help track the animals and work with the kids at the local school. They also take you to Kilimanjaro (which would also be a massive dream come true to see). Once i’ve throughly planned everything out all I need to do is pay the deposit. (Photos below are from the place I want to go, these are exactly what I imagined myself taking with my camera off the back of a jeep). Beautiful ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿ’›

You’re never alone ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป [159]

Wow, tonight as I was walking out of therapy, another lady similar age to me was leaving at the same time, I held the door open for her and as she said thank you to me she absolutely broke down in tears in front of me. I’ll be honest I wasn’t really sure what to do at first because i’ve never had a stranger just cry like that in front of me. She was trying to talk to me but she couldn’t get her words out and she just kept saying i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry and then it suddenly hit me she’s having a panic attack.

I walked to the carpark with her and asked how she was going to get home and she just looked at me and was like i don’t want to go back home, i’ve got nowhere to go. – and oh my god my heart just couldn’t take it, because i know EXACTLY how that feels, completely mentally lost and on your own. They were truly the worst days of my life, I used to sit there sobbing in my car, those panic attacks are evil. Then, being the typical lovely English spring weather – it started to hail and it was freezing cold, so I just said come and sit in my car for a minute. We ended up sitting there for 40 minutes talking, she calmed down a lot just by me telling her I knew exactly how she felt and reassuring her that everything was going to be ok. She kept saying how embarrassed she was, and it actually felt nice for me to be able to relate to that. I then gave her a lift home and she gave me the biggest hug.

I told her about my blog and she said she’d love to read it even just to take her mind off everything (but I stupidly forgot to tell her the link) but wow, how much have I changed as a person? That was literally me 5 months ago, and now I feel like i’ve helped someone else, even if it was just a little. How great is that? – giving a complete stranger a lift home and abit of reassurance and fingers crossed she’s gone home this evening feeling a lot better. My dark days are now to be shown as strength to someone else, what an odd but nice feeling ๐Ÿ–ค life really does know how to unravel itself.

The impossible is possible [157]

Last night I was trapped in probably the most awkward situation ever. God help me guys ๐Ÿ™ˆ 

Firstly my friend who I was out with wasn’t in a good mood with me at all because I told her I wouldn’t be able to go to Ibiza/Lanzarote with her. I felt terrible as I know how much she wanted to go, but I just can’t, I cannot be in that atmosphere with drunk idiots clubbing every night. It’s not for me but I feel so selfish but I would not enjoy it at all, i literally only every have 2 drinks if I go out because I know that’s my limit – anymore then that and it sets off a panic attack – I just won’t do it to myself. 

So that was awkward enough, then I have to deal with seeing him in there with his new girlfriend. Every single part of my body was shaking at one stage, I was so close to just walking out & going home. But I went to the toilet on my own and just said NO. Running away from what hurts will never get easier for me. 

The binty girlfriend walked past me with her friend and gave me the filthiest look and then they kept turning around, laughing and making it so obvious they were talking about me at the bar – I could hear them! “yeh it’s defiantly her” saying is so loud on purpose, her friend even did a patronising wave at me. It was horrendous to feel that humiliated, that was the only time my eyes welled up but I proved to myself above all that I can handle my panic attacks because I won’t let toxic people bring me down anymore. I didn’t retaliate or anything I just turned the other way,  because if I’ve learnt something, those types of people love a reaction and I am just not prepared to go back to the depression hell I was living in for months. One thing that never fails to amaze me is how cruel people are – did they really need to do that to me? Yes well done you, you got the man I loved with all my heart, I know, you must be ten times better then me, I hope the kick at me made yourself feel better. 

But actually, when people like that are mean for no reason, it makes it so clearer to me that I’ll never end up like that, for every time someone pushes me down it pushes me closer to wanting to help someone else. 

It was worth going through that and staying because me & him spoke for about 5 minutes, It didn’t feel that awkward or uncomfortable at all to be honest, because we just get eachother. Neither of us ever set out to hurt the other despite what everyone else thinks, both of us know how close we were and I honestly don’t think that bond can ever be broken. I think he knows that aswel, and he seemed genuinely proud of me for what I’ve achieved so far. 

He asked me who has been telling me all the ‘rumours’ –  if I was set ‘out for revenge’ that was my chance to make him feel like shit, but I know telling him who some of the people who did would of hurt him, or I could of told him about all the messages she’s STILL been sending to someone else – I’ve seen with my own eyes! All recent disgusting messages, it makes me so fucking angry. I know the guy really well. But what gain would of got from making him suffer by telling him? None. It’s cruel. I know how it feels. Could you imagine if I got involved – every single person would think I’m lying & it would be turned around on me, not her. I’ve never lied to him, he knows how fiercely loyal I’ve always been to him, if i told him and he didn’t believe me I’d be devastated. I just can’t do it. 

What I can do – I told the other guy please, please don’t get involved. I literally said if there’s something still between you two which clearly there is leave him out of it. He’s a guy so I doubt very much he would listen to me, but atleast I can know in myself I’ve done what I can do to protect him from getting hurt. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

I must be crazy, or sound crazy. I love him so much but I’m not in love anymore, I had to bury that feeling a long time ago, and I have made my own plans and rebuilt my life & moved on in a different way. I’ve put all my love into something else, But I think when you love someone you really do care and want to protect them no matter what. I always will.

When he told he was saving for a mortgage I did feel disheartened, not that’s it’s a bad thing, I am proud, but at the same time the man I knew was so spontaneous. I still can’t picture him buying a house and picking carpets and all of that, he has a deeper purpose, I know he does, or maybe it was me all along who brought out that spontaneous side of him? But then I have to remember everyone has different aspires, I know all I want to do is help wildlife & people, that drive is what makes me feel alive & appreciating all that this beautiful world has to offer. 

I’m being so brave and going in the opposite direction of all my friends, family and now him. I really am following my heart instead of my head. That dangerous game – But it’s exciting and I already know how rewarding it will be.

Of course I’ll always save for my future, one day I know I’ll be in the position to buy my own place and when I do I hope I can frame photos of me on the wall with all the animals/ people I’ve worked with ๐Ÿ˜ so when I’m in my 70s (if I’m blessed with a long life) I can die knowing I made the most of my time on Earth, because at the end of the day we only get one shot, one life and I’m going to absolutely fulfil it, I need to tick all those places off my ever growing list ๐Ÿ“ and give back all that I can. I’m doing this all on my own. The impossible is possible. Have faith ๐ŸŒฟ๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒŽ๐Ÿ’š๐ŸŒฑ

PS – I hope you guys who suffer from anxiety/panic attacks can feel reassured by the fact that I didn’t let it take over last night so you most defiantly can do it to. Just remember to breathe & believe that you are stronger then your anxiety & the feeling will pass. I promise. X

Happy Earth Day ๐ŸŒŽ [156]

It’s Earth Day! I don’t know who created this day but how nice that they did. I love this quote. I can’t say that I am out of my depression, some have said it never leaves you, some say it does, I have no idea so I suppose I am still somewhere in between. All I know is that I am not in the terrible, dark place I was before, I feel like my whole life has changed again, but now i’m on the right road. I can see my future and i’m being pulled towards it every single day. I remember 2, 3, 4 months ago I couldn’t see anything for me. Depression stripped me of absolutely everything, I’ll never forget how worthless and alone I felt. Thank you mother nature for giving me the reason to get up and out everyday, all those walks watching the sunset or sunrises or walking through woods and fields have helped me get to the place I am now. You are always with me, the ultimate therapy.

 

Why Costa Rica? [155]

“Blessed are the curious, for they shall have adventures” ๐Ÿฆ‹๐ŸŒŽ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŽ’๐Ÿ‘ง๐Ÿป 

It really wasn’t a hard decision. I’m following what’s burning in my heart. I’ve wanted to go to the Rainforest all my life, even as a kid Tarzan was one of my favourite films, I have a photo of me dressed as Jane from primary school. I never thought it would be possible, it was just one of those dreams in the back of my head and I used to envy every person on the tv who was treaking through the jungle. 

As much as it’s a dream come true to go, I also wanted it to be a fulfilling as possible. I want the adventure, but I want to leave good behind. It’s like all my passions have just fell together – my love of nature, my love of animals and helping people. I can’t express how much I care, the love of nature is just built inside me. AND my love of photography because I’ll get the most stunning photos. Let’s hope Tarzan finds me and never lets me go and I can be raised by Gorillas ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿ’š

Seriously though, I do believe in destiny, my 6 year old self dressed as Jane was obviously drawn to this life, this adventure. I’ve never stopped loving animals or admiring the natural wonders of the world, I am completely facinated by space ๐Ÿš€ I never want to stop thriving off history, looking at ancient ruins! I love imaging myself in their lifetime. I’ve never stoped caring or loving the man who touched my heart. I’d protect him in a heartbeat. I can love someone at their worst and still see them as the best. There’s nothing bad about that, I fighted until I was the only left fighting myself, for so long I have battled myself for it. But it’s because I don’t give up, imagine what use I can put that to in the future. I am just naturally nurturing and I can’t help it. ๐ŸŒž I feel like my light is glowing again. 

A beautiful moment [154]

I had yoga tonight and the anxiety in me always has to be there atleast 15 minutes before as being late for anything stresses me out! I can’t be late for anything.. anyway..

I walked in just to get my mat ready and my extremely camp, crazy but brilliant instructor was already there warming up. His name is Was (Waseem) and he was just there on his own dancing to Down Under full blast, he grabbed me by the hands and was spinning me and we were just laughing, singing and messing around. I haven’t laughed that much in ages, what a song to dance to, such a good song! Then we both had to act all serious and professional when the others came.

It was just bizarre but brilliant, it really is the little things in life. Beautiful, happy little moments. ๐ŸŒž

San Josรฉ -ยปRainforest [153]

It just kind of hit me today that not only am I catching a 13 hour flight on my own, I will also be staying in the city San Josรฉ for 2 days on my own before I meet the other people on my trip. I didn’t really think about that at the time, but actually this is quite a massive thing for me to do. Where the hell do I go when I get off the plane?

I am literally going to be half way across the world on my own, I won’t know one single person. New cities are overwhelming anyway let alone when you can’t speak the language, I really have no idea what to expect. What if I can’t find my hostel? What if it’s not safe? How am I going to navigate around on my own for 2 days?! I do feel scared because I am way out my comfort zone, but I know I can do this – I am not the same person I was a year ago or even six months ago. ๐Ÿ‘ง๐Ÿป๐ŸŽ’

It’s going to be mad, leaving a crazy city and then travelling to camp in a Rainforest?! I still can’t believe this is my life. What an exciting existence, this will be the start of everything for me. ๐ŸŒŽ

 

IBS Awarness Cont. / loneliness [152]

Oops I forgot to add this onto my previous blog. Basically when you’re on your own there really is nothing fun or exciting about cooking just for yourself. It makes me feel so sad laying the table just for one so I don’t bother. I hate eating alone, that’s when the loneliness/depression really kicks in so I avoid eating dinner at all costs. I make sure all my therapy sessions are around dinner time or go for a walk. If I am hungry, I discovered these: they are really nice and just easy. Obviously I don’t eat them every night, but it’s not often you find a dairy free ready meal. I would highly recommend the range!



Trying to turn this around to a positive post:
loneliness does make you stronger, I am extremely independent and can stand firmly on my two feet and support myself. Because I don’t have a distraction of a random man to make me feel better, I have made myself feel better – by saving, going to therapy, booking adventures on my own, going half way across the world on my own!!!, getting a new job, buying a new car, lost 2 stone, moving out and finding new hobbies and going out my comfort zone. I did all of that ON MY OWN. If I can achieve all of that while battling the most terrible time, you’ll be amazed what you can do! if you’re feeling lonely today just feel comforted that you’re not because you’re reading my blog right now and you’ve probably just been able to relate to something I’ve said. Don’t let the loneliness pain destroy you. Trust me I know it, just reassure yourself you’re doing just fine on your own. What keeps me going is I don’t crave someone else to fill the gap, I’d do anything to still have my best friend, but I don’t need a replacement, he’s irreplaceable anyway. I crave adventure and adventures will fill the gap ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿปโค๏ธ