Next month I am going away to Italy! My brother is getting married in Sorento which I am extremely excited about as I get to be a bridesmaid! (as i’ve lost 2 stone so I don’t think they are all too happy with me right now having to pay to get my dress altered, but there’s not much i can do about it now, i will pay whatever the fee is).
This is actually really hard for me to go back to Italy, me & him went to Naples and all the same area in 2015 and I can hand on my heart say it was the happiest i’ve ever been. The memories are so, so precious. I can’t believe i’ll be looking at Mt Vesuvius again without him. It aches my heart so much.
I’ve obviously already been to Pompeii (oh my god, that was incredible, I would do anything to relive that day with him, anything.) so everyone else i am going with is keen to go, I haven’t decided if I will, I feel like I would actually break down and cry/have a panic attack being back there without him, so instead I have booked myself a trip to Capri Island on my own!
At the moment I have just booked the ferry and a tour, but now I am also thinking about booking a room for one night. It’s funny, when i went with him we tried to go to Capri and from what I can remember we completely fucked up booking the ferry and the Italians were not so willing to help us, so God only knows if i’ll be able to do it on my own, but atleast I can say I tried. A part of me feels like going is ticking off that trip we were always supposed to do together, finishing what we started. I love all the Roman history so much, but I have to carry on no matter how painful it is because I also know how happy it makes me, it’s just not so fun on your own but i’m sure i’ll be in my element when I get there. This is what overcoming anxiety feels like – just saying “FUCK IT” and booking that trip. I could of never of got to this point without therapy.
What is soul destroying to cope with – people still feeling the need to tell me that apparently he’s taking her away or they’ve already been away together – shit like this is what kills me inside, it makes me feel so worthless and completely forgotten about. I can’t actually tell you how hard it is to cope with that feeling, I just have to block it out or be in denial to myself that it isn’t true because it makes it easier to cope with.