I had therapy with Debbie tonight and it was so nice, we sat outside on the grass in the sun, she’s just come back from India and was a showing me all her photos and telling me all about it. She said I have to go, apparently I would absolutely love it (which I’m confident I would, I love the culture and have always been drawn to India) but never really considered going – until now – she made me promise her that i’ll go, so I have! Bless her when I got home she had emailed me all these trips and volunteering jobs etc.
At the end of her e-mail she then attached a photo of Mount Everest and said “and while you’re that way, fly to Nepal after and get that shot of Mt Everest!” (I felt really touched by this, literally weeks & weeks ago we were talking about the film Everest and I made a passing comment saying i’d love to see it in person.
There’s a common misconception that “my life got better without him” – no, that’s not true at all, I don’t feel any sense of relief not having him in my life, I miss him every single day. My life got better because my therapist has changed the way I live my life, my anxiety gets better everyday because I have the support I always needed. This time last year my anxiety ruled my whole life, I didn’t have a life, I didn’t see anyone, I can truly say that I had no friends, loneliness breeds loneliness. I hated my job but felt trapped and wouldn’t leave, even though I knew how miserable it was making me, because I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t cope. Then going out and doing things caused me to have terrible anxiety attacks – I always wanted to go out, but I saw myself as a 20 stone fat mess and I felt ugly 24/7, the fear of what people would say about me was enough to make me stay in. Everyone used to tell me to “just go out” but with true anxiety, you can’t, the barriers are up and you cannot get past that point, I can now thank god but only from receiving help from someone who completely understands. I’m paying the ultimate price by losing my best friend because I didn’t have the confidence to get help when I really needed it, but I was terrified and I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that actually I can’t handle this anxiety/depression, I felt like to be strong I had to deal with it on my own – and that is exactly where it left me – alone.
As if that wasn’t depressing enough to live like, I used to see messages he sent to his friend saying how he was “living with the saddest sack in the world” or when he went away, he always told me we would be doing things next year, when he had no intention. – so when people tell me he cheated on me I can’t say a strong no he didn’t, when he could lie to my face so easily. It’s a question I’ll never know the answer to and one I don’t think I ever want to know the answer to. Saying all of that, I don’t carry the anger anymore because I know deep down he was not that person. I don’t know where my lovely, caring boyfriend & beautiful best friend went. He just left.
I would not wish that level of loneliness on anyone in the world. I truly mean that. There are no words to describe that level of pain. Remembering that pain still makes my eyes well up. Moving forwards atleast I’ll do whatever I can in the future to help anyone who is going through a mentally terrible time. I can’t bare the thought of people suffering and crying like I did. Nobody should have to cry in empty car parks at night because they didn’t know where else to go.
I think what hurts me most is that when he had his darkest days, I was his biggest support, I never left him alone, whenever he needed me I was there. All I can do now is forgive, forgive him and forgive myself. In forgiveness comes peace. The past is painful but all bad things can be healed and put right, the past doesn’t define anything. He was a blessing in my life, I carry more happy memories then bad so what more could I ask for? The happy memories & love are very much alive in me 🌞 all my dreams were surrounded by him, he made me feel excited for life and I’ll never forget that. A love like no other ✨
If you’re reading this feeling like you’re a non-existent mess and feel scared, I PROMISE YOU anxiety & panic attacks can be overcome, just please get the help you deserve, don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t believe me? All you need to do is read back 100 or so of my blogs to see the real mess I was in. Everyday is still a battle, things still give me that anxious feeling everyday, but I recognise it now and can brush it off a hell of a lot easier then before. AND most importantly, don’t give up!! therapy isn’t all sat in the sunshine talking about travels, I’ve had to dig up every single painful memory from the past and i’ve cried like I’ve never cried before, it’s mentally exhausting to cope with and there were days where I used to just walk out or feel like never going back. All I can say is thank God I did. 🙏🏻🏔 have faith.