Pura Vida [150]

Dealing with negativity & depression:

 My advice to everyone – NEVER listen to toxic, negative people. I’ve had a lot of people bring me down. I’ve also fallen into the trap of getting upset and letting things I didn’t want to hear destroy me. My own depression used to fuel me with how worthless I am, but I’m not. The worst thing for me was having complete strangers approach me every time I went out to tell me things such as “he said you were fat and didn’t ever want to do anything” – I wonder if they went home and thought about how mentally damaging that was to me? Of course they didnt. That one sentence made me cry on my floor for hours and I refused to eat anything because I felt so fat and disgusting. People are cruel, and it was cruel to tell me he cheated on me in the way they did, but to be honest im glad it’s all happenend to me, because now in the future I will never, ever do that to anyone. I feel terrible I went mad at him when it should of been them I went mad at, but that’s what they wanted, they wanted the reaction from me, and I went home and wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. People are so damaging. I’m just so sorry to him, I wish I could just apologise to him face to face and make him understand how sorry I am. 

The best thing you can do is just ignore what brings you down, because if it’s a person – they are most likely jealous of you or they don’t like to you see you doing well. It’s not easy I know, overthinking on what someone has said is a killer, but just focus on what makes you happy. When I feel the depression creep in I just have to remember how far I’ve come, and on bad days where I just feel like crying for no reason, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself this feeling will pass instead of working myself up into a state 🙏🏻

I didn’t know what made me happy for a long time, depression left me feeling completely numb, empty & lost. I still get that feeling, it’s not something you can just wake up and switch off but it’s not every single day anymore. If you’ve ever been there I completely sympathise with you, it’s a horrible, horrible dark scary place and it feels like it will never lift, but I promise you with abit of help and will power you can get out. You just have to find what you are searching for inside, and then run with it. My turning point was seeing Levison Wood, everything clicked inside, suddenly I felt something again, it really was like someone lighting a spark back in me. A true inspiration. 

The stories I’ve heard of him should make me hate him, but I don’t, and people forever tell me “you defend him too much” and I’m sick of having to feel bad about the fact that I do. Whatever is true or lies is irrelevant to me now –  I just don’t care. I love him based on my own happy, precious memories, he was never that person to me so why do I need to worry about what they are saying now? It’s ok for me to miss him as much as I do, that doesn’t make me weak, I am strong because I have had to rebuild my life with that aching pain in the background, feeling so unloveable and I feel so much failure, I forever feel like I didn’t do enough to show him how much I loved him, the pain of missing someone is horrendous, so carrying the love forward in my heart makes it more bearable. What’s hard to live with is every single time I go out, I am terrified of seeing them together, or I’m terrified of people approaching me to tell me something else. I just have to feel courage and have faith in myself that I will not let anything else tear me down. 

I can’t wait to be here. Just me, nature & like minded people. That’s all that matters 🐢🌴 living the pure life.

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