The impossible is possible [157]

Last night I was trapped in probably the most awkward situation ever. God help me guys 🙈 

Firstly my friend who I was out with wasn’t in a good mood with me at all because I told her I wouldn’t be able to go to Ibiza/Lanzarote with her. I felt terrible as I know how much she wanted to go, but I just can’t, I cannot be in that atmosphere with drunk idiots clubbing every night. It’s not for me but I feel so selfish but I would not enjoy it at all, i literally only every have 2 drinks if I go out because I know that’s my limit – anymore then that and it sets off a panic attack – I just won’t do it to myself. 

So that was awkward enough, then I have to deal with seeing him in there with his new girlfriend. Every single part of my body was shaking at one stage, I was so close to just walking out & going home. But I went to the toilet on my own and just said NO. Running away from what hurts will never get easier for me. 

The binty girlfriend walked past me with her friend and gave me the filthiest look and then they kept turning around, laughing and making it so obvious they were talking about me at the bar – I could hear them! “yeh it’s defiantly her” saying is so loud on purpose, her friend even did a patronising wave at me. It was horrendous to feel that humiliated, that was the only time my eyes welled up but I proved to myself above all that I can handle my panic attacks because I won’t let toxic people bring me down anymore. I didn’t retaliate or anything I just turned the other way,  because if I’ve learnt something, those types of people love a reaction and I am just not prepared to go back to the depression hell I was living in for months. One thing that never fails to amaze me is how cruel people are – did they really need to do that to me? Yes well done you, you got the man I loved with all my heart, I know, you must be ten times better then me, I hope the kick at me made yourself feel better. 

But actually, when people like that are mean for no reason, it makes it so clearer to me that I’ll never end up like that, for every time someone pushes me down it pushes me closer to wanting to help someone else. 

It was worth going through that and staying because me & him spoke for about 5 minutes, It didn’t feel that awkward or uncomfortable at all to be honest, because we just get eachother. Neither of us ever set out to hurt the other despite what everyone else thinks, both of us know how close we were and I honestly don’t think that bond can ever be broken. I think he knows that aswel, and he seemed genuinely proud of me for what I’ve achieved so far. 

He asked me who has been telling me all the ‘rumours’ –  if I was set ‘out for revenge’ that was my chance to make him feel like shit, but I know telling him who some of the people who did would of hurt him, or I could of told him about all the messages she’s STILL been sending to someone else – I’ve seen with my own eyes! All recent disgusting messages, it makes me so fucking angry. I know the guy really well. But what gain would of got from making him suffer by telling him? None. It’s cruel. I know how it feels. Could you imagine if I got involved – every single person would think I’m lying & it would be turned around on me, not her. I’ve never lied to him, he knows how fiercely loyal I’ve always been to him, if i told him and he didn’t believe me I’d be devastated. I just can’t do it. 

What I can do – I told the other guy please, please don’t get involved. I literally said if there’s something still between you two which clearly there is leave him out of it. He’s a guy so I doubt very much he would listen to me, but atleast I can know in myself I’ve done what I can do to protect him from getting hurt. 🙏🏻

I must be crazy, or sound crazy. I love him so much but I’m not in love anymore, I had to bury that feeling a long time ago, and I have made my own plans and rebuilt my life & moved on in a different way. I’ve put all my love into something else, But I think when you love someone you really do care and want to protect them no matter what. I always will.

When he told he was saving for a mortgage I did feel disheartened, not that’s it’s a bad thing, I am proud, but at the same time the man I knew was so spontaneous. I still can’t picture him buying a house and picking carpets and all of that, he has a deeper purpose, I know he does, or maybe it was me all along who brought out that spontaneous side of him? But then I have to remember everyone has different aspires, I know all I want to do is help wildlife & people, that drive is what makes me feel alive & appreciating all that this beautiful world has to offer. 

I’m being so brave and going in the opposite direction of all my friends, family and now him. I really am following my heart instead of my head. That dangerous game – But it’s exciting and I already know how rewarding it will be.

Of course I’ll always save for my future, one day I know I’ll be in the position to buy my own place and when I do I hope I can frame photos of me on the wall with all the animals/ people I’ve worked with 🐘 so when I’m in my 70s (if I’m blessed with a long life) I can die knowing I made the most of my time on Earth, because at the end of the day we only get one shot, one life and I’m going to absolutely fulfil it, I need to tick all those places off my ever growing list 📝 and give back all that I can. I’m doing this all on my own. The impossible is possible. Have faith 🌿🐘 🙏🏻🌎💚🌱

PS – I hope you guys who suffer from anxiety/panic attacks can feel reassured by the fact that I didn’t let it take over last night so you most defiantly can do it to. Just remember to breathe & believe that you are stronger then your anxiety & the feeling will pass. I promise. X

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