30 seconds / hold onto hope [162]

Here’s a sneak peak of something I am working on. My life 🌚 

There really is so much more to depression then sat being miserable and hating life – for me depression isn’t like that at all. It’s a saddest which just comes out of nowhere, a numb, lonely empty feeling. For me it’s the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. As much as I love him as a person and don’t think bad of him, that is the damage he’s mentally left me with.

 I also miss his company so much. It really is a greif that never goes away, and to know he doesn’t miss mine is so emotionally hard to deal with, like 6 years were nothing. And just a kick in the face that his new GF has already cheated on him (see previous blog), feeling worthless is so damaging. I hope so much we will be good friends again. We shared so much and I can’t  imagine my life without him, but it feels like he chucked me aside and forgot about me. What a way to leave someone who did everything for them. All I could ever hope for is that we can meet for coffee or go for walks, I want to be able to show him photos of everywhere I’ve gone. I always want to be there for him. I just want the friendship we always had. But then I remember all the pain – the pain still gets me, what if it always still gets me? All I’ve got left is hope, if you haven’t got hope you haven’t got anything.  ðŸ™ðŸ»

Capturing the little beautiful moments helps ease this feeling and sets my focus back straight.. then I remind myself this is exactly why I am going away. Instead of letting that feeling destroy me over & over I want to make something good come out of it. All that love I had for him can be put into helping animals & people, I’m pretty sure that won’t make me feel worthless. 💙🌍 

I know I can’t change lives or save the world, but for me the fact I am there getting involved. How many people say they want to help but actually bother to get on a plane and go do it? If I’ve learnt something it’s that people are incredibly selfish. Aslong as the roof over your head is covered don’t worry about all the people who have absolutely nothing 👍🏻 or the damage humans have done to the wildlife & environment, don’t worry about that just go enjoy your shitty drunk holidays laid by the pool. (I’m getting angry now). When I go to the refugee camp I think that will change my life forever. Lord knows I won’t come back the same person, which can only be a good thing.

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