My therapist really is more like a friend now, I can’t imagine not having her in my life. Tonight I told her all about the weekend, how I feel constantly worried for him. I actually got upset because I feel so frustrated.
She made me show her the screenshots and messages of everything she has sent to the guy, she read them, she said she completely understands why I feel frustrated, and she understands why I want to protect him. But she said I’m taking on problems that are not mine, it’s good that I care so much about him, and want to protect him, but this is causing me to feel stressed and working myself up getting anxious on HIS problem, not mine. Then she just said “right, I know the truth, you know the truth, that’s all that actually matters, we are going to delete them right now”
Then I just said I feel so mentally drained and overwhelmed with everything, I just want peace (then I got upset again) She gave me a massive hug and was like “you’re problem is you focus too much on helping other people or trying to make sure everyone else is ok, but you don’t let yourself be ok. My intentions are good, all I ever want is for him to be ok, but I’m still healing, and now I just need to let those reins go, I can’t protect him anymore. It’s not my job to anymore. The best thing i can do now is nothing. That is what is hard for me to let go of. The thought of someone hurting him, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it again. But letting it upset me isn’t helping me. What a head fuck.
Even tho it’s great that I’m going to help animals & refugees, it’s the same thing, I’m not actually just focusing on myself. I put everyone’s happiness before my own. I’m way too soft, I’m too forgiving, I know I’m a push over, I get angry at myself because I must just look so weak to everyone. I just have a big heart 😞, i like reassuring people and helping them feel better, I am a nourisher. That’s my new challenge – to see if I can actually tone it down and be more selfish.
(This quote seems very appropriate)