Following on from my previous blog post about my chat with Debbie, i have been feeling more reflectful this week and focusing on myself. I really am a different person, it’s so easy to just say that – but I am!
As much as I miss him so much, I do not miss the person I was, I can’t explain how mentally trapped and suppressed I felt. Everything in my life was a mess, I had no real friends, I HATED my job, I felt ill all the time, I had no self-confidence, I wouldn’t ware nice clothes because I felt too ugly and fat all the time, all of this lead me having the worst anxiety in the world, so going out become impossible in my head. But I was stupid, i knew this wasn’t the person i was meant to be. I used to stay in on my own in that flat most nights watching YouTube videos of people travelling all around the world (mainly Fun For Louis) and I used to just cry, and cry, and cry because i felt so fucking miserable and alone. I felt trapped, non-existent and such a terrible boring person.
But I had so, so much love for him, I feel so lucky that I got to fall in love with my best friend, the danger being i stopped loving myself, I didn’t care about me or what i wanted to do with my life, he was my world, I was willing to live that life for him, isn’t it funny how much you’ll do for love? All i ever wanted to do was protect him and look after him for the rest of my life, clearly that was real because I still feel it now. Im just now starting to learn that I can’t protect him, worrying about him and if he’s ok and his problems is adding on anxiety and stress i don’t need to carry in my life anymore – which is still mentally hard for me to accept because i’ve always done it, it just feels normal to.
BUT – look at me now? I got a job I absolutely love, i mean they say no job is perfect, but for me right at this moment in time it is. It’s so relaxed, but busy, it’s fulfilling, I don’t have people swearing at me down the phone, I don’t think twice about going to work in the morning – because i’ve made friends there, it’s only been 3 months and it feels so much longer.
I moved back out. This was so hard at the first, it defiantly wasn’t exciting to move again, but now I remember how nice it is to have your own space. Now i have a good body (i’m not skeletal anymore, I think i actually look just healthy again) I walk around in my pants all the time dancing to my feel good songs (..ToTo Africa). I’m so independent, I pay all the bills and rent on my own, I food shop on my own, I cook clean & sleep on my own! I don’t need anyone to support me.
Friends – oh god I’m so lucky. Please find previous blog about them. Im out with them most nights of the week. That social circle i never had.
Travelling, obviously the biggest thing I’m doing this year, I’m not the girl crying at youtube videos anymore – i’ll be the one there making the videos. Living that dream of looking after animals, people and seeing all this crazy world has to offer. I’ll be bringing my camera back to life, i can’t wait to full back in love with photography.
Style: I really love buying new clothes now (I literally hated it before, because I didn’t know what suited me, I felt so fat etc) – now I only buy authentic/ fair trade. Yes they are more expensive but to me it’s not about the price, I love all the prints & colours, I love patterns. I only use cruelty free and organic make up/skin care. I love it. I love being as natural as possible. (And I will never pay for a carrier bag!!!! they damage the environment so much)