I’m really struggling today. A week today I’m flying to Italy for my brothers wedding which is so amazing & exciting, but now my anxiety is really kicking in – because I’m going back to Naples and all the same area where I went with him. The happiest, precious memories are going to come flooding back, they already have started and it feels like a knife in my chest.
I feel really shit. My family were obviously taking about it today and how they can’t wait to see Pompeii & Mt Vesuvius and I just burst into tears in front of everyone, and I felt so bad because I don’t want them to feel like I’m not going to enjoy it or worry about me. This is the reality of anxiety/depression- it comes out of nowhere, I can’t help it.
In an ideal world, no I don’t want to go back and revisit where I was so fucking happy, I don’t want to see all the Roman history without him. But I have no choice, I am on my own now and he’s not here anymore no matter how much I wish he was. I need to remember I am not the girl I was when I was there either, that also makes me feel sad, I feel like I’ve been hard on myself for a long time that everything was my fault and I was this awful anxious person (which i was) but I also look back and think I was so just sweet and quite clueless. I’ll always be a dork. The good thing about me now is I am smarter, back then I wasn’t following any kind of dream (because he was my dream) but now I am mentally strong in terms of what I believe in and what I will strive everyday to achieve, I am focused and so independent, Lord knows nothing will stand in my way.
I just have to stay at calm as possible and put all my hard work at therapy to the test. I’m terrified of having a panic attack in front of everyone when we get there, I don’t know if I’m mentally ready to face this, but I have to. Just breath Emm 🙏🏻 you can do this, I am in control of my anxiety not the other way around.
The hardest parts will be landing back in Naples, seeing the volcano again without him and going back to Pompeii – im still not decided if I will go back, it really is going to upset me, I know it will. but I also love it there and would like a second chance to get some more progressional photos & learn more. I’ll just see how I feel on that morning. 😓 I will not climb the volcanoe again tho, or go back to Herculaneum – they really are the most treasured memories of happiness in my heart and thinking about those memories is making me cry right now, there’s no way I can or want to go back there. What also upsets me is all the memories I have with him, I don’t even have him here to talk to normally about them. I won’t be able to even tell him about my trip or any of the history I see on Capri. Thats what fucking kills me, he really was my best friend, that grief never leaves.
I’m just focusing on that trip to Capri island on my own 🙏🏻 I can’t wait to learn more history and go swimming in the clear sea and feel the heat of the sun. After the worst months of my life battling depression I really am ready for a break.