๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป [179]

Trying really hard today to control my anxiety. I am on the edge of exploding into tears but I am just remembering to breathe and understand this isn’t me it’s because I’m terrified of going back to the Italy where I went with him. Funnily enough I just had to walk past him and his delightful girlfriend with a load of kids, which is site I never thought I’d see. I really could of done without it. There’s nothing left I can say about it, I hope he’s happy, but I’m not happy for him. I think he deserves far more then someone who clearly lies and puts it about. The thought of her hurting him just makes my blood boil, I can’t deal with even thinking about it anymore, I really can’t. ๐Ÿ˜“

I can’t worry, fight or protect someone who doesn’t care one little bit about me anymore. I just think it’s so fucking sad after everything we went through, we were so close, I still can’t really process it ended like this because it sinks me into that awful depression. I can forgive him of a lot of things, but I will never, ever forget how worthless he made me feel in the end. Everyone tells me he cheated on me, my gut says no because I did know him better then anyone, but I just also have to accept the reality is probably true. it can’t be coincidence that they all say the same thing? All of it haunts me.

I hope I always just stay invisible to him now, it’s the best way all around –  to know that you really didn’t mean anything to them when they meant everything to you. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. It’s so damaging. I actually wish I just never existed in his life. What did I actually ever bring to his life???? Reliving the memories is so painful so what was the point in any of it? 6 years to end up like this. I haven’t even got him as a friend, just nothing. It does feel like a waste. I feel like the biggest mug on the planet to believe the love & friendship was real. I just wish I could forget. I never wanted that, but I’m so, so sick of feeling the greif and the loss of someone who threw me to oneside. I just miss the old him so much, not the bastard who broke my heart.

On a brighter note of my shit week, I am truly so greatful for mr travel man cheering me up. He’s been so great to me. When he’s around me, I feel so calm and at peace with everything, hes just so selfless & kind. Those earthquakes on the news back in 2015 – he flew out to go help ๐Ÿ˜ญ the stories are incredible. He’s inspiring and he makes me feel something. I don’t know what. Inspired I suppose ๐Ÿ™„

A lot of you message me asking why aren’t we dating?! –  no we are not. because it’s not that simple. There’s lots of reasons to be honest, he’s older the me, mentally I am not there, I am still so damaged – I can’t give my heart away again. I feel like I can’t be someone’s girlfriend, I’m not good at it. I can’t just be all over someone. He’s going away, I’m going away. I don’t know when either of us are coming back.

I don’t want distraction, or to settle into that 9-5 routine life, i need to live my own dreams and create the life I want. Friendship is far more important to me than any relationship ever will be. I am just so independent thriving being on my own, I just don’t ever feel like i need someone else’s love or attention. I suppose I feel like I don’t deserve it, I still carry a lot of that worthless feeling.

He is however mentally good for me. He doesn’t live by the norm by any means and that is what I’m drawn to. I crave that thrill & excitement. That get up & go and passion for making a difference. That is why we are just friends, and my god if I’ve learnt anything it’s that you don’t mix relationships & friendships together because it is beyond soul destroying when it ends. This is one of his photos he took actually and I’m in love with it, I’m so desperate to see Egypt. ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป I can see myself here learning to take these types of shots, feeling alive again. ๐Ÿ“ธ I’ve got some truly life changing trips lined up and I cannot wait to photograph them. I’m just too excited ๐ŸŽ’

Anyway amongst all my messed up confused feelings – i won’t be blogging for a week or so whilst I’m away. I mentally need a rest & the heat of the sun and swimming in the sea will do me the world of good. I can’t believe my brother is getting married!

There’s 30 of us going, all close friends & family, it will be nice to be surrounded by them, making memories. My original dress fitting was in November, obviously I lost 2 stone, i went from a size 14 – size 8 so I’ve had so many alternations to get it right. I’m now a healthy size 10 but the dress is still abit too big because they can’t physically take it in anymore, but I am proud of myself for getting out of that hell I was in. Honestly, there are no words for how bad I was. I can’t ever let myself go back to that place. I’ll feel proud of myself when I walk down that aisle.  ( i just really hope my dress stays up ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Wish me luck, let’s see if i can actually control my anxiety/panic attacks. Will I make it to Capri island on my own?! (I fucking hope so, I can’t fail at that twice surely?!) I’ll let you know. Peace out xxx

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