Reasons why I thank you. [183]

This is a post i never thought i’d write – reasons why i’m thankful my life changed. I’ve gone from not being able to leave the house without crying & having a panic attack, to booking a flight half way across the world on my own. I finally feel so proud of myself. 

He really did cause me so much emotional pain, I can’t go into it in too much detail anymore because it still upsets me, you only need to read my early blogs to see the state he left me in. He emotionally shattered me, so, so soon much grief. I fell into the worst depression where i starved myself, i couldn’t cope with anything, there are no words for how devastated i was, i just didn’t want to be here – my life was painkillers, panic attacks and sleep.

Then, when i started picking myself back up, i was hit with what felt like a wave of people telling me that he cheated on me, all these stories, that i was fat, that he had been seeing her whilst with me. The thought of her in my flat honestly made me feel suicidal. Even writing that now make my eyes well up, because the pain of having to deal with that was like nothing i can describe, i never felt so, so low about myself. Feeling so worthless is so damaging, it still damages me to this day. I’ll never know what’s true, I believe the person I loved wouldn’t of been able to do that to me, but I also believed every word he said, I truly believed he would never leave me, so I’m left with never knowing what happened, which is also what mentally fucked me up.

 Somehow i managed to just block all of that out my life (with help from therapy)  then i was hit with another wave of screen shots of messages his girlfriend was sending to someone else at the time and the stupid idiot in me wanted to protect, my blood was boiling inside, the thought of someone else hurting someone i loved so much was also too much for me to mentally cope with, I’ve been so confused on how i feel for so long, stuck between i shouldn’t care about you but i really fucking do and it’s a really fucking torturous place to be in. Trying to do the right thing turned out to be the wrong thing. I still absolutely dread going on because I know I’ll see them together, to feel that small and humiliated is the worst feeling in the world. 

But what hurt the most, is knowing that he wouldn’t do the same for me, i was so loyal to him for so long, i put myself through so much pain years ago for him, because i was the only one who believed in him and saw this perfect person underneath all his shit. I accepted him and loved him for all of his flaws, but he could never accept mine. I really did go above and beyond for him, and theres still that part of me inside that always would, because he was my absolute best friend. It makes me cry typing it but i have to admit it to myself now, i wasn’t his. If i was, he wouldn’t be able to watch me suffer or make me feel so worthless & humiluated. He threw me away and he made me feel like the worst person on the planet for loving him. A 6/7 year friendship lost. The grief will always stay with me. A part of me will always grieve for that friendship to come back, always.

As much as I wished none of it ever happened, I am also now thankful it did, well maybe not thankful, but I am 100 times stronger on my own. I’ve achieved so much on my own whilst fighting depression & anxiety, but I’ve done it – i’ve made myself secure without the help or distraction of someone else to fill the gap. I got a better job, have more money, save a lot of more money, brought a new car, moved into my first house, booked my travels, carried on with therapy and smashed out my anxiety – read my Italy blog, I never thought I could go back to Pompeii and I did, and I travelled to Capri on my own. Most importantly for me, I lost weight (intiually not in the right way) but now I am healthy and confident in myself, I don’t look like the old me, I don’t see the same person in the mirror anymore, that girl who was here this time last year really did die in me. I could never go back to being that person. 

Without any of this happening to me, I would of never of met the friends I have now, the most positive happy people who make me want to go out and be involved – even tonight – the twins cooked me dinner at theirs and we watched a movie, and i just feel so blessed because i’ve never had a strong friendship circle. If you’ve ever felt true loneliness you’ll know that you’ll treasure these people for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t be going travelling and living my dreams of helping animals and those less fortunate. This big toxic bubble that i got sucked into worrying about him all the time just seems so small in my life now, because there really are bigger problems in the world, and luckily/unluckily for me i care too much. it’s a strength and a weakness, but finally it can be used to something worthwhile, not that he wasn’t, but he doesn’t need any of my love or protection anymore, he’s made that very clear which pains me but it’s the reality. I want to put all the love & protection I have into a cause which will benefit.

In following this path of what I’m drawn to doing with my life, I have met like minded people, Mr travel man. People who inspire you and want you to achieve big things and believe in you is so refreshing to me. My life has focus, it has purpose and it’s not going to be filled with the same boring routine and trap everyone else settles into. Now I feel like this is just the start, it doesn’t feel so much like the end anymore. 

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