World Refugee Day [192]

Apprently it’s world refugee day today, a topic now quite close to my heart as I’m going to visit a refugee camp when I go to Costa Rica. It’s probably the one thing i am most nervous/scared about, because;

1) I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle what I see. I’ve never done anything like this before. I am an emotional person anyway, the thought of seeing kids or anyone living like that will most definitely upset me. Their stories will upset me. I don’t know how to act around them. I obviously don’t want to look patronising or disrespectful, I’ve already decided I shouldn’t take photos. How would I feel if I was a refugee and some random person is shoving a camera in my face? 

2) I know it will change my life or myself forever. I don’t know how anyone could view their life the same after you see the real problems of the world face to face. These are real people, not just what you read on the news. But that’s why I have to put my own emotions to one side and just help, be there and raise awareness. 

Helping the homeless [191]

There’s a homeless man I see near enough everyday, he is always sat near the shop with his dog, hunched on the floor. He never asks for money, he’s just always there, in the same clothes. 

The weather in the U.K. has been acceptionally hot, and I don’t know why but he just sprung to my mind, so I don’t know if it was right of me to do this or not, I know a few people who are against giving help or money to the homeless because it doesn’t actually help them – 

but to me I don’t care about his past or why he’s homeless, or if he’s not helping himself. I just think how would I feel on a boiling hot day sat on the street? My heart is too big, so I went down and brought him 2 bottles of ice cold water (mainly for his doggy) and 2 bottles of coke, some fruit, snacks and an ice cream. A whole bag of stuff for what £6, hardly an inconvenience to me. I felt so awkward approaching him, but I’m so, so glad I did because he was so greatful and had the biggest smile on his face. 

I don’t want to say it “made my day” because it still makes me sad the thought of him out there now in the same poisition, but I do feel good in myself that I had the confidence to do it, a year ago I would of wanted to of done it, but would of felt too embarrassed or anxiety would worry about what everyone else thought or just even worry about approaching him. Anxiety used to hold me back so so much. The only way to ever overcome it is to smash through it. 

I would / will do it again and that’s the main thing. Learning to be less selfish everyday. 🙏🏻 ❤️

🙏🏻 🇨🇷  [189]

I wish there could be more awareness for this, but it’s like everyone turns a blind eye. It’s easier to pretend it’s not happening, easier to just think someone else will sort it – and then you go back to your life and forget all about it. But I just can’t. 


I feel a lot of frustration (I need to let this out before I self combust) .. I can’t even look at social media anymore because it’s full of people in awful Magaluf or Ibiza taking a million selfies drinking by the pool, dressed like it’s a fucking fashion parade 🙉 why is everyone so self obsessed? How can you just be content plodding along a life so unforfilled. Why am I surrounded by these self obsorbed idiots, nobody cares about your tan and fake hair, because believe it or not – there are serious problems in the world and people like you are the ones who are fucking lazy and ignore it. That’s what annoys me – not the actual place, but the arrogance, that the problems are someone else’s to worry about, when it should be everyone’s responsibility. They don’t even think twice. Aslong as you’ve got your fake nails and eyelash extensions done to go pose on a fucking inflatable donut go fucking enjoy yourself. Ugh. 

I don’t even mean that in a nasty way, but it’s so sad that’s it’s true. I get so wound up because I care so much. I know I can’t change any of the worlds problems, but I can do something which is better then ignoring it. Just imagine if everyone got involved and cared so much, impossible I know. But just imagine.

I’m probably not making a lot of sense, but I know atleast one person on here will know what I’m trying to say. 🙈 

#rantoftheday #ifeelbetterforit #sorrynotsorry 

http://www.theslothinstitutecostarica.org/

Freedom. [188]

I’ve had a lot of people ask me lately why are you going away? and how can you afford this? OR you’re not living in the real world. These have been messages on my posts and friends/family etc, so let me try and explain..

  1. I’m going for a number of different reasons, but the main one being that I love animals and i want to help them. I am just so passionate about helping save the environment, helping those less fortunate, and of course seeing this huge crazy but beautiful world that’s out there! I love photography, it just all ties nicely together. It really is all I want to do. I seek adventure, I want precious memories I look back on in 30/40years time. I want to help and inspire,
  2. I can afford it because when my depression was as it’s worst, I literally wouldn’t leave the house or go out, I also had 0 bills to pay, so i literally saved a hell of a lot of money really quickly. I remember one month checking my statement and i had only spent £64 in 4 weeks (yah, I’m not joking when i say i really didn’t do anything!) – During this time i obviously had a lot of time to think, i remember writing a blog actually thinking what the hell do i do with my life?? Then i got myself a better job so I had more money. My head was saying keep saving this money and get yourself a mortgage, but my heart wasn’t there at all – the thought of that made me feel so trapped & suffocated. I knew what I wanted to do, but i was so scared to just take the plunge and do it. So i sat down my parents (I can’t express how much i love them) and they both told me to just do it and go follow what you love and not even think twice on it, so i did 🙂
  3. Im not living in the real world? no probably not! But what is the real world – everyones world is different. I know in myself I will look back and it will be the biggest regret/mistake of my life if i choose to ‘settle’ into a life i don’t really want, but do it because it brings that little bit of security, it’s what everyone else is doing, therefore it’s what i need to be doing. I of course save for my future, but for me following what i believe in and living my dreams is far, far more fulfilling & important then sat in a retail park picking curtains and carpet. I don’t want to waste my one chance of life doing the same thing  every week, knowing what is out there. I look at other people out partying & drinking on tacky cheap holidays and I just can’t ever let myself end up like that, it terrifies me. I am different, I don’t belong here and I won’t ever suppress myself from who I am inside. 🙏🏻 🐅🐢🌴🐒🐊🐪🐘💚

  

Grenfell Tower [187]

The news has been so horrific lately, with 2 awful terrorist attacks and now this. 😞

The Grenfell fire has just really hit my emotions and been playing on my mind all day at work. It’s one of those questions everyone thinks of when you drive past these huge tower blocks “how do you get out if there’s a fire?” – it’s just horrific. Those poor, poor people. The poor people at the bottom having to listen to people screaming help and having no choice but to jump, knowing you can do absolutely nothing to get them out – and even more harrowing, it would of been people they knew. It just sounds like a horror film, I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying it would of been.

It just makes me cry. Worse that it could of all been prevented, a disasterous mistake. What a world we live in, where appearance is put before safety, people’s lives. I wish I could help. My heart really does go out to those effected, it really does.  💔 

Third Eye Blind [186]

I was invited to a pub quiz last night and it was actually really fun, our team came 4th and without sounding big headed… I really knew a lot of the answers! 

When we were there this song came on and my stomach hit the floor, because it was a song I used to forever mess around and sing at the top my lungs to him. I fucking miss those days. But I didn’t cry I just thought about all the happy times for a solid 4 minutes, it’s just a silly special song in my heart ❤️ 

WWF 🐼 [185]

As I’m sure you’ve heard me mention many times on my blog my passion for animals, protecting the environment and helping those in need – I realised I don’t think I’ve ever really mentioned WWF.

I have been a member for about 5 years, but as i’ve got older and my passion for WWF has grown stronger, i have increased my monthly donations. This isn’t a post to brag about how you should donate, any amount is better then none, but for me, i want to be as selfless with my money where possible, i save what i need and i buy what i need – anything left over i enjoy putting into a greater cause, like in Italy i donated my left over euros to their campaign to ‘keep Italy clean’ – I’m just very passionate about wildlife conservation and looking after the planet and it’s where my future path is going.

Tonight, i have signed up to be a WWF Volunteer abroad, how cool is that?! Basically if work comes up, i’ll be contacted. Volunteering is what i really want to get my teeth into, I will be starting my first set of Volunteering this year in Costa Rica, and now i am just keeping my options open for the future. Please check out the website and read what great work they do, it will make your day. 

Also – on the website you can see your own carbon footprint, mine was 87% which actually put me in the ‘excellent’ category which I was so relieved about, in an ideal world this is what everyone should be in by 2020. It’s really interesting and gives you tips on how to improve, I’ll do mine again in a few months time and see if I’ve improved. 


 

Travel Essentials [184]

I’m a fairly organised person, but today at work it just dawned on me all this shit i need to start thinking about packing, this blog is for my future self so i can keep check if I’ve forgot to buy/pack …. I’m sure it will come in handy to someone else too…


BAGGAGE – Start with the most essential, what bag to i take?! i need a fairly big one, but not stupidly big, i might get one of those massive rucksacks but I’m not sure how practical they are for me, i imagine them to really ache my shoulders, but then again i can’t exactly wheel a bag through the rainforest! ahh any advice?? 

CLOTHES – I really won’t need that much, just basic clothes which are going to get wrecked, I’m sure i’ll be able to do laundry at one of my hostels. Obviously it’s a rainforest so a waterproof jacket is essential, and a hoody for the nights, but it will be very hot & humid. SWIMSTUFF!! must not forget bikinis and swimming stuff, as most of my trip involves water activities/projects – must also back a towel. 

hiking boots? I’m not sure, i suppose so but they’re just so heavy on your feet, or i’ll get really good comfy trainers or walking shoes. i’ll have to go shopping and try things on. all i know it there is going to be LOTS of walking and i need sensible shoes.

CAMPING – I’m camping for some of the trip, the tents and sleeping stuff is provided, so i think i only maybe need a travel pillow? this will be handy for the plane & buses. I am known to always get cold, so i might bring a blanket aswel? not sure? 

CAMERAS – Id be a shit travel photographer if i left my cameras behind. Saying that i think I’m only taking 2, my big SLR and a GoPro! (I’m pretty confident i’ll be reaching for the GoPro the most) – must remember memory cards & chargers. 

MEDICATION – **NEED TO GET INJECTIONS ORGANISED** , also need to buy a first aid kit, personally i think this is an essential and i would feel at ease having one on me just incase anything did happen, i’ll need bug spray I’m sure, suncream, my IBS tablets, anddddd another essential – diarrhoea tablets! 

BOOK AND NOTEPAD – I love reading, especially on planes/buses to kill time, a couple of good books will keep me going. I also want to take my travel journal to write it everyday as i won’t be able to blog, unless i have internet but I’m going to get away from it all to be honest. 

blog to be continued…….

 

 

Reasons why I thank you. [183]

This is a post i never thought i’d write – reasons why i’m thankful my life changed. I’ve gone from not being able to leave the house without crying & having a panic attack, to booking a flight half way across the world on my own. I finally feel so proud of myself. 

He really did cause me so much emotional pain, I can’t go into it in too much detail anymore because it still upsets me, you only need to read my early blogs to see the state he left me in. He emotionally shattered me, so, so soon much grief. I fell into the worst depression where i starved myself, i couldn’t cope with anything, there are no words for how devastated i was, i just didn’t want to be here – my life was painkillers, panic attacks and sleep.

Then, when i started picking myself back up, i was hit with what felt like a wave of people telling me that he cheated on me, all these stories, that i was fat, that he had been seeing her whilst with me. The thought of her in my flat honestly made me feel suicidal. Even writing that now make my eyes well up, because the pain of having to deal with that was like nothing i can describe, i never felt so, so low about myself. Feeling so worthless is so damaging, it still damages me to this day. I’ll never know what’s true, I believe the person I loved wouldn’t of been able to do that to me, but I also believed every word he said, I truly believed he would never leave me, so I’m left with never knowing what happened, which is also what mentally fucked me up.

 Somehow i managed to just block all of that out my life (with help from therapy)  then i was hit with another wave of screen shots of messages his girlfriend was sending to someone else at the time and the stupid idiot in me wanted to protect, my blood was boiling inside, the thought of someone else hurting someone i loved so much was also too much for me to mentally cope with, I’ve been so confused on how i feel for so long, stuck between i shouldn’t care about you but i really fucking do and it’s a really fucking torturous place to be in. Trying to do the right thing turned out to be the wrong thing. I still absolutely dread going on because I know I’ll see them together, to feel that small and humiliated is the worst feeling in the world. 

But what hurt the most, is knowing that he wouldn’t do the same for me, i was so loyal to him for so long, i put myself through so much pain years ago for him, because i was the only one who believed in him and saw this perfect person underneath all his shit. I accepted him and loved him for all of his flaws, but he could never accept mine. I really did go above and beyond for him, and theres still that part of me inside that always would, because he was my absolute best friend. It makes me cry typing it but i have to admit it to myself now, i wasn’t his. If i was, he wouldn’t be able to watch me suffer or make me feel so worthless & humiluated. He threw me away and he made me feel like the worst person on the planet for loving him. A 6/7 year friendship lost. The grief will always stay with me. A part of me will always grieve for that friendship to come back, always.

As much as I wished none of it ever happened, I am also now thankful it did, well maybe not thankful, but I am 100 times stronger on my own. I’ve achieved so much on my own whilst fighting depression & anxiety, but I’ve done it – i’ve made myself secure without the help or distraction of someone else to fill the gap. I got a better job, have more money, save a lot of more money, brought a new car, moved into my first house, booked my travels, carried on with therapy and smashed out my anxiety – read my Italy blog, I never thought I could go back to Pompeii and I did, and I travelled to Capri on my own. Most importantly for me, I lost weight (intiually not in the right way) but now I am healthy and confident in myself, I don’t look like the old me, I don’t see the same person in the mirror anymore, that girl who was here this time last year really did die in me. I could never go back to being that person. 

Without any of this happening to me, I would of never of met the friends I have now, the most positive happy people who make me want to go out and be involved – even tonight – the twins cooked me dinner at theirs and we watched a movie, and i just feel so blessed because i’ve never had a strong friendship circle. If you’ve ever felt true loneliness you’ll know that you’ll treasure these people for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t be going travelling and living my dreams of helping animals and those less fortunate. This big toxic bubble that i got sucked into worrying about him all the time just seems so small in my life now, because there really are bigger problems in the world, and luckily/unluckily for me i care too much. it’s a strength and a weakness, but finally it can be used to something worthwhile, not that he wasn’t, but he doesn’t need any of my love or protection anymore, he’s made that very clear which pains me but it’s the reality. I want to put all the love & protection I have into a cause which will benefit.

In following this path of what I’m drawn to doing with my life, I have met like minded people, Mr travel man. People who inspire you and want you to achieve big things and believe in you is so refreshing to me. My life has focus, it has purpose and it’s not going to be filled with the same boring routine and trap everyone else settles into. Now I feel like this is just the start, it doesn’t feel so much like the end anymore.